God
Bless the Broken Road
By: Jamie Sommers
Email: jamiesommers23@hotmail.com
Synopsis: Carter and Abby have
a proper goodbye on his last day of work at the
This
story evolved from a beautiful song and a poor ending to a relationship that, I
think, deserved a better goodbye. When the writers of ER came up with John
Carter’s final episode they didn’t give he and Abby a proper farewell so I
decided to do it myself. During the same time I fell in love with the Rascal
Flatts song, God Bless the
God Bless the Broken
Road
Chapter
One: I’ll Be Seeing You
“Hi
this is Abby; leave a message after the beep.”
Carter
listened for the high pitched tone. That would be his queue to start speaking.
He took a deep breath and wondered again why he was doing this. There was
really no reason for him to call her.
They had said their goodbyes at County, but something had felt
unresolved between them. “Hey Abby…uh…
it’s me, John. I know you’re not home yet but I thought I’d call and… uh…” he
continued to stutter and to wonder why he was calling her when he was on his
way to start his life with another woman. “I know we said goodbye at County but
I wanted to tell you how much I’m going to mi.… I mean…” He suddenly thought
twice about what he wanted to say. Did he really have the right to leave such an
intimate message on her machine after all that has passed between them? He ran
his hand through his hair and looked up towards the ceiling of the airport gift
shop. “I’m sorry Abby. I know this is stupid. I mean you’re probably wondering
why I’m calling you and trust me…” he chuckled a bit at himself, “I’m wondering
the same thing.” To hell with it, he thought. “I just needed to tell you that
I’m going to miss you.” Another thought suddenly hit him. What if she reads
something into this message? “Not just you but… jeez…” He stammered, “I’m
sorry. This is stupid.” He told himself that this was absolutely ridiculous and
decided to end this slow torture he had just subjected himself to. “Look, I’m gonna go. I shouldn’t have called.
Take care and… you’re a great doctor Abby. I just wanted you to know how proud
I am of everything you’ve achieved.” He cleared his throat and said, “Bye
Abby.”
He
picked through the magazine rack before deciding on two different ones. Just as
he pulled his wallet out to pay for his purchase, his cell phone rang. He
quickly put the money on the counter and thanked the cashier before answering
his phone. “Hello.”
“John?”
He
could hear the ambulance in the background as he answered, “yeah?”
“It’s
Abby.”
“Uh…yeah…
You didn’t have to return my call. I didn’t expect…” Wow, he thought, she was
listening to him make a fool of himself on her answering machine the whole
time.
“You
called?” She toed the ground telling herself that she didn’t need a cigarette,
but oh how she wanted one right now.
“Uh
yeah… I left you a message on your machine.”
He wondered why she was calling if she hadn’t yet heard his message.
“Oh,
what did you want?”
“I
just wanted to say goodbye.”
“Oh
sure…sure,” she had wanted to do the same thing, but for some reason she
couldn’t seem to get the words out.
Their
voices suddenly silenced as they both listened for the other to speak. The
phone crackled in their ears as both of them breathed deeply.
“I’m
sorry John. This is silly.” Abby scolded herself. “I shouldn’t have called.”
She began to walk to the El as she continued. “It’s just that we really didn’t
have an opportunity to talk before you left. I mean…you talked to the three of
us,” she thought back to the conversation he had with Neala, Ray and herself.
Carter had suggested that they write a letter to themselves regarding their
residency. “Which was fine, but it just felt kind of…”
“Unresolved?”
He asked knowingly.
“Well…”
she sat on the bench at the platform of the train station and smiled to
herself. “Yeah, a little.”
“I
know. That’s kind of why I called you
too.” He admitted sheepishly to her.
They
were silent for a moment as they both thought about what to say to one another.
“I’m
sorry I wasn’t able to make it to your party earlier,” Abby said.
“Hey,
no problem,” Carter walked towards a row of chairs and sat looking out the
window at the airplanes making their way towards the runway.
“We
kind of got a little busy there,” she finally gave up and dug through her
pocket for a lighter and a cigarette.
“That
has a tendency to happen at an ER,” he joked.
“Yeah
I guess so,” she chuckled as she lit her cigarette.
“So…”
Carter switched his cell phone to his other ear and continued making small
talk. “So how’s Jack?”
“Who’s
Jack?”
“Ummm…isn’t
that his name?” Carter asked sheepishly.
“You
mean Jake?”
“Oh
sorry,” he closed his eyes and shook his head slowly at his mistake. “I knew
that.”
“It’s
okay and I’m not sure how he is.”
“Wait…
I thought you two were…” he said with a suggestive tone to his voice.
“We
were until I told him not to practice medicine in
“You
told him what?”
“He
didn’t want to practice here anyway. I just didn’t want him to change his plans
because of me.” She watched the white puff of smoke fade into the night air as
she continued, “It’s not like we were getting married or anything.”
“Well
yeah, but didn’t you…” he knew that she didn’t want a relationship at this
point in her life, but he didn’t expect that he’d be happy about her telling
Jake not to stay in Chicago. “I just thought you two were really hitting it
off.”
“We
were, but…”she left her sentence unfinished.
“Buuuuut?”
“I
don’t know…” Abby watched the train open its doors in front of her. Without
moving she said, “My train’s here.”
“Oh,”
he said with disappointment in his voice.
“That’s
okay. There’ll be another one.”
“Aren’t
you getting on?” He hoped she wasn’t.
“Nope.”
She watched as passengers unloaded from the train and smiled at a woman holding
a young boy’s hand. “I don’t want to have to pay international rates to speak
to you so we better do all our talking now,” Abby joked.
“That’s
true. Even I think those prices are
insane,” Carter chuckled then asked, “Hey Abby can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“It’s
kind of awkward.”
“That’s
okay. Go ahead and ask.”
“Well
I was wondering… Do you ever think about…” he paused for a moment, “…us?”
“Us?”
She wondered if he meant their friendship or their former relationship. “I
guess I do…sometimes. Uh…do you?” She began to babble before he could answer
her question. “Of course you do or you wouldn’t have asked, or maybe you don’t
and…”
“I
do Abby,” he interrupted. “Especially now…tonight I mean.”
She
waited a minute before admitting, “Yeah, me too. I mean I thought about
us…you…me…God why am I rambling?”
They
both began to laugh at their predicament.
“You
know earlier I called your apartment, and I knew you weren’t there, but I just
wanted to tell you… actually what I really wanted was to talk to you, but you
weren’t there and I knew you wouldn’t be there and…” he laughed at himself and
said, “now who’s rambling?”
He
could hear Abby’s smile over the phone and took a deep breath before finally
saying to her, “Look Abby. I just felt like we deserved a better goodbye than
what we had.”
“Yeah,
me too.” She smiled at his admission before making one herself, “You know, I wrote
my letter right after you left tonight and I thought about you as I was doing
it.”
“Oh
yeah?”
“Yeah,”
she smiled.
“What
were you thinking about me?”
“It
was kind of weird actually.”
“You
thought I was weird?”
“No,”
she giggled softly. “You weren’t weird, my thoughts were.”
“What
was so weird about them?” he asked with curiosity in his voice.
“Well
it wasn’t like one particular thought of you, it was kind of like a flashback
of you and me…our friendship…our relationship…you know…us,” she said softly.
“Yeah
I guess I do.” He remembered how thoughts of her plagued him to the point of
his leaving a message on her machine. A sudden feeling of sadness seemed to
overwhelm him as he realized that he wasn’t going to see her anymore.
Their
relationship had dwindled since his coming back from
“You
know…” He closed his eyes for a second before admitting, “I’m always gonna be
your friend, Abby.”
“Yeah,
I know,” she gulped as she said, “I’m always going to be yours too, John.”
He
smiled as he thought of the time they had let the air out of her ex-husband’s
tires after they ran into him at one of the Carter family’s charity events.
“You’re my best friend Abby.” His eyes filled with tears as the announcement
for his flight sounded over the intercom.
Her
throat thickened as she said, “You’re mine too Carter. I’m gonna miss you a lot
you know,” she wiped her eyes and forced a smile. “And you better visit.”
“Yeah,”
he blinked the tears back as he said, “I will. And Abby…” he stood up and
walked slowly to the gate. “I’ll gladly pay the international rates anytime you
want to talk.”
“Carter,
I’m really happy for you and Kem. I hope everything works out for you. I really
do.” She wasn’t sure if she was saying it to convince him or herself.
He
watched as people continued to board the plane, wanting time to stop just for a
moment. “It’s funny isn’t it?”
“What’s
that?” she pulled another cigarette out of her pocket and lit it.
“I’m
getting ready to fly half-way around the world to be with Kem and all I want to
do right now is sit here and talk with you.” He wondered for a moment if he was
doing the right thing by admitting that to her.
“Oh,”
she said softly.
“I
know you and I can’t go back in time, but sometimes I just…” he looked out the
window at the plane he was about to board and took a deep breath. “I just
wish…” he wasn’t sure how to finish his thought without causing them both a lot
of pain. “Abby I’m so sorry for hurting you the way that I did. You deserved
better than just a letter.”
“Don’t
John. We both made mistakes, okay? It wasn’t just you, ya know?”
“Yeah,
I guess we both kind of screwed up, huh?” He heard the final boarding call for
his flight and took a deep breath. “That’s my flight Abby.” He sighed. “I have
to go.”
“Oh…Okay.”
He
could hear the pain in her voice and he hated himself for causing it. “I’m
sorry Abby. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t
be silly. You’ve got to go.”
“Yeah,”
he said softly. “I’ve got to go.”
“Take
care of yourself Carter,” she sniffled. “Have a safe flight and give Kem my
best.”
“I
will.” He handed the steward his boarding pass and said, “Bye Abby.”
His
heart ached as he hung up his cell phone. As he walked down the tunnel towards
the entrance of his flight, he asked himself if he was doing the right thing.
He knew that he loved Kem and he knew that he wanted…needed to try and make a life with her, but he also knew that a
part of him would always Abby. The last time he left for
He
found his seat and handed his carry on to the stewardess before sitting down.
As he looked out the window he thought back to the first day he and Abby’s
relationship went from being coworkers to being friends.
~~~
John
Carter sat at the familiar booth in Doc Magoo’s diner waiting for his aversion
meeting to start at
He
felt a hint of humiliation when he recognized the nurse walking through the
rain to the diner. Abby. He didn’t blame her either, but he was grateful for
what she did for him and he did wonder about her. He folded his newspaper as
she ordered her coffee and he called out to her, “Hey.”
She
recognized his voice instantly and turned toward him. “Hey,” she wondered
aloud, “you back already?”
“No.
Not for another week.”
She
wondered if he was just looking for a familiar face after being gone for so
long. “What’re you… just hanging out?” She smiled as she walked towards him.
“I
have an aversion meeting at nine.”
With
her hands in her pocket she said, “You look much better.”
He
looked into her face and nodded saying, “thank you,” in a humbled tone. He
instantly remembered to comment on her haircut. He noticed it at the meeting
this morning and he really wanted to tell her, “Hey, I like your hair.”
Abby
pushed a lock of her hair behind her ear in a slightly embarrassed gesture.
“Thank you.”
Carter
noticed that she was wearing purple scrubs and asked, “Those are some nice
scrubs. You picking up some extra shifts?”
“No,”
Abby wondered for a split second on how to answer the question. Opting for the
truth she stated, “I was suspended.”
Carter
took a drag off of his cigarette and said, “Ya didn’t kill anybody did ya?”
“No.
I wanted to,” she thought about Richard and it amazed her how the mere thought
of him caused such disgust.
John
looked at her with a questioning eye and she explained before he could ask. “My
ex-husband was supposed to pay my tuition. He didn’t pay it so um…” she said
with a slightly embarrassed look upon her face.
Carter
nodded in sympathy, “Ouch.”
She
continued, “So I’m on the bench for awhile. Though, it certainly didn’t seem
like that today.” The waitress came up
behind Abby with her cup of coffee and handed it to her. “Oh thank you.”
Carter
quickly offered to pay for it causing Abby to politely decline, but after a
small debate, Carter coming up the victor, Abby finally accepted his gift of
caffeine.
“Hey,
sit down,” John moved his paper to the seat of his booth and continued. “It’s
the least I could do after acting like a complete jerk.”
Abby
knew what he was talking about, but said “when,” anyway.
“Three
months ago.” He looked her squarely in
the eyes and said, “You know you mighta saved my life. If you hadn’t stopped me
when you did, I could be dead now.” There was silence for a moment, then John
smiled coyly and said, “I’m working on my steps here.”
Abby
smiled at his boyish grin and replied, “You’re up to nine already.” A bit
surprised at how far he’s come in his recovery.
He
didn’t have the heart to tell her that he may have skipped some of them,
“Um...more or less.”
She
knew the importance of being relieved of guilt and said, “I forgive you.”
Conversations
like these were never easy for Abby. She tried to avoid this type of closeness
at all costs, but for some reason she felt like she shared something with
Carter. Something was there between them, something that hadn’t been there
before, so she allowed herself to relax and let her guard down for once. She
reached for his lit cigarette and apologized for needing the nicotine fix. She
had given it up years before, but for some reason she started it up again
whenever she worked in the ER.
John
noticed the stress in her demeanor and asked, “Long day?”
“Yeah.”
Abby thought about the hellish day she had today. “Twenty-two week old preemie
survived almost nine hours. I just finished the death kit.”
That
was a bad day, Carter thought. Am` I really ready for this? “Wow.”
Once
again Abby found herself opening up to him, “I don’t know why I do this.
Sometimes I think I should go be an accountant or something.”
“That’s
an option.”
“Yeah,”
Abby joked, “If I could balance a checkbook.”
“What
about you?” Abby asked him about his day.
“A
lot of waiting. A lot of meetings.” He answered.
“Yeah,
ya get kinda meeting’d out.” She answered with a hint of experience.
John
looked at her and nodded in agreement.
Abby
gave him a grin and waited for him to ask her about her past addiction. She was
surprised when he didn’t so she confronted him, “Aren’tcha gonna ask?”
“What?”
Carter asked.
“What
I was doing there this morning?”
He
was curious, but he didn’t want to pry into her personal life. “You only go for
one reason. I figured I’d keep going and eventually you’d stand up and share.”
She
took another puff on his cigarette and confessed. “It’s not that interesting.”
She looked directly into his eyes and said, “I’m a drunk.”
“How
long have you been sober?”
“Almost
five years,” she answered with pride.
Hey,
he thought to himself… “So you could sponsor somebody?”
“Yeah
I guess.”
“Have
you?”
“No,”
she answered matter of factly.
“Because…uh…I’m
supposed to find a sponsor…”
She
nodded yes to him, not quite getting his point.
He
gave her a sheepish look and asked with his eyes if she would be his.
She
laughed a bit at him before saying, “Don’t look at me.”
“No?”
He shook his head hoping…
“No.
I’m barely holding my own life together now. Trust me…”
Not
taking no for an answer he continued in his quest. “Cause it would be great to
have someone at the hospital, and since you did sorta start me on my road to
recovery…”
“And
men and women aren’t supposed to sponsor each another,” she interrupted.
“Don’t
worry about it,” he said with a dejected little boy attitude.
She
chuckled with relief and said, “Thanks.”
But
he wasn’t giving up quite yet. “Come on.” He tried to quilt her into it with
one last desperate effort. “You’re not gonna make me ask a perfect stranger are
you? The only person I met at the meeting was the coffee guy.”
She
couldn’t help but feel bad for him. She was
the one that turned him in and she did
know how to work the steps, she convinced herself that it was okay to help.
“Okay. Okay… I will work the steps with you until you find a permanent
sponsor.”
“Fair
enough,” John said, but what he was really thinking was, thank God. He honestly
didn’t want to ask a total stranger to help him sort his life out.
She
wasn’t quite sure on what to do to help him until she noticed the cigarette
that had gone from being his to being hers. “I’ll start by setting a good
example.” She put the butt out in the ashtray and said, “Besides… I don’t think
coffee and cigarettes are gonna do it for me tonight.” She picked up the menu and looked it over
before deciding on a hot fudge sundae. “Would you like one?” She asked him.
“Mmmm
mmmph,” He declined. “I have enough vices.”
“No,
I think part of the rules is that you should splurge with me.” If he could
guilt her into being his sponsor she figured she should be able to guilt him
into something chocolate.
He
chuckled at her and said, “Is that how it works?”
Abby
smiled at him and nodded, yes.
John
grabbed a menu and handed it to Abby telling her that since she made up the
rule, she should pick out what he’s eating too. He watched her peruse the menu
before finally opting for a banana split and he found himself grateful that she
had walked into Doc Magoo’s.
“Well
you certainly know how to indulge.” He waggled his eyebrows at her and said, “I
can tell we’re going to be here a lot.”
They
placed their order with the waitress and sat in silence for a moment, not
knowing what to say to each other.
Abby
had heard a few things about him after his departure, but for the most part the
staff didn’t really talk about him much. If anyone mentioned his name, they
would immediately get that sorrowful look in their eyes and quickly end the
conversation. “So… are you originally from
“Uh…yeah.
My family has been a prominent part of the community for generations.”
Abby
tried to hide her giggle behind her hand.
He
smiled as he asked her, “What are you laughing at?”
“I
don’t know…” she shrugged her shoulders. “Most people say, yeah I’ve lived here
all my life or I was born here. I never heard someone say their family has been
a prominent part of the community before.”
Carter
looked down at the pack of cigarettes he had on the table and asked Abby, “Do
you mind if I…”
“No.
Go ahead,” she shook her head and considered asking him if she could bum
another one, but quickly put the thought out of her head.
He
lit the cigarette and tried to think of a way to explain his family. “Well, if
you were to ask my family that question, that’s how they’d answer it.”
“Seriously?”
Abby asked with a surprised look on her face.
“Yup.”
Carter had never been too comfortable with telling people about his family’s
riches, but for some reason he didn’t think twice about telling Abby.
“Why’s
that?”
“Because
they’ve made a lot of donations to different establishments in
“Donations?”
Abby squinted as she asked, “What do you mean by donations?”
“I
mean money. They give away a lot of money to different companies.”
“What
kind of companies? Like hospitals and stuff?”
“No.
Well, not no. I mean Gamma’s donated to clinics and things over the years, but
mostly it’s like theaters, museums… They make donations to help keep the arts
alive in the
“And
that’s what makes them a prominent part of the community?”
“Yeah.
Pretty much.”
“That’s
kind of cool.”
“I
guess.” Carter looked up at the waitress as she brought them their desserts.
“Oh
yeah,” Abby moaned as she took her first bite. “This is exactly what I needed.”
Carter
smiled while watching her enjoy the treat.
“Mmmmm,”
Abby closed her eyes and reveled in every bite of ice cream. “Is this heaven or
what?”
He
smiled as he closed his mouth over his spoon. “This is pretty good too. Want a bite?”
“Sure,”
she took her spoon and dug it into his ice cream making sure she got pineapple
topping and a chunk of banana.
“Ooooh
this is gooooood.”
“Told
ya.”
“I’ve
got to get that next time.”
They
sat and talked about nothing in particular until it was time for John to head
to his meeting.
“So,”
Abby asked as she walked him out, “how was your first time sharing?”
“Sharing?
You mean the banana split?”
“No,”
she chuckled. “I mean, how did it go the first time you shared at a meeting?”
“Oh,”
he toed at the pebbles in the parking lot. “I uh…” he looked up, sideways,
everywhere but at her.
“Carter?
You have shared right?” She asked him accusingly.
He
took a deep breath and said, “No, but I was planning on it.”
“When?”
“I
don’t know… soon I guess.”
“Well
what’s the problem?”
“There’s
no problem,” he started walking her towards the El.
“Then
why haven’t you done it yet?”
“Look,”
he stopped her by placing his hand on her shoulder. “I don’t really know those
people. It’s a little hard telling strangers about a very private matter. You
of all people should understand that.”
She
did. Too well. “I tell you what, there’s a meeting by my house at
“Why?”
“Why,
what?”
“Why
do you want to go with me?” He expected the staff at County to question his
every move, but he thought she was different. “You just went to one this
morning. Don’t you trust me?” He said
dejectedly.
She
smiled softly and shrugged one shoulder, “Just thought you’d like to see a
friendly face.”
For
the first time in a year, John Carter felt like there was something to be happy
about.
~~~
John
looked out the window of the airplane and smiled as warm memories of Abby
flooded through him. He had found an instant camaraderie with her. Something
just clicked between them since they saw one another across the room at that
fateful AA meeting. He knew now, firsthand, why men and women shouldn’t sponsor
one another. “God how I loved her,” he whispered to himself harshly.
There
were times in his life that he wondered about his drug addiction and whether or
not it was a curse or a gift. Without it, would he and Abby have fallen in
love? Would their love have been able to endure, had there not been an
underlying question of trust?
He
continued to question things in his life. Should he really be running to the
arms of another woman when his thoughts kept drifting back to someone else?
Maybe his thoughts would dwell more towards Kem once he got closer to her?
Carter
threw his head back against the headrest of his seat. “What’s taking so long?”
He said to no one in particular.
“I’m
sorry, Sir,” the passing stewardess answered him. “We should be on our way any
minute.”
John
was startled by the woman’s response to his rhetorical question.
“Oh…uh…thanks.” He took out one of the
magazines he had purchased in the gift shop, and began thumbing through it,
stopping on an article about a new diabetes drug. He read the first paragraph
over and over again in a lame attempt to get his mind off of the uneasy feeling
he had in the pit of his stomach.
Slamming it closed, he shoved it into the pocket on the back of the seat
in front of him. He suddenly questioned if his leaving was the right thing to
do. Maybe, he thought, that’s why we haven’t left yet. A split second later the
plane began moving down the tarmac. Guess that answers my question, he thought
to himself.
The
rumble of the thunder started immediately, lightning following shortly
thereafter. As the plane got closer to the runway, the storm outside got louder
and the rain got heavier.
“Ladies
and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We’ve just been given word that
there’s a pretty bad storm heading our way. The weather service said it should
pass over us fairly quickly. We should be on our way as soon as it lightens
up.”
“This
is ridiculous.” One of the passengers began to complain. “All of this because
of some rain? Can’t they fly over the storm or something?”
“It’s
regulations ma’am. Once the flights are cancelled you have to be removed from
the plane. Please go to the ticket counter and present them with your ticket to
receive your hotel and meal vouchers. Again please accept our apologies.”
John
followed the group of passengers and looked at the lines that were beginning to
form. He pulled out his cell phone and called Kem to give her an update on his
flight. He arranged for a new flight to