By: Jamie Sommers
Email: jamiesommers23@hotmail.com
Rated: PG 13
Synopsis: This is a chapter story in which an older Landon,
shares his memories with someone, of his time spent with Jamie during their
summer together as husband and wife. It
will take you through their wedding, their marriage and Jamie’s funeral.
Prologue:
“I remember
her saying, ‘In your arms--that’s where I want to die, Landon--in your
arms,’ and the look on her face when she said it--so matter of fact. By that point in her illness, we both knew
she didn’t have much longer before,” he cleared his throat, “…before that would
actually happen.”
“I walked
back over to her and knelt down, cradling her face in my hands,” he held his
hands out in front of him as though he were performing the task, “and I said, ‘I
wouldn’t have it any other way’.” A tender smile formed on his lips, never
quite reaching his eyes.
“Our family
and friends just stared at us in disbelief.
My mother made up some kind of excuse to go back into the house and
Jamie’s dad…well, I could see the disappointment in his eyes. Not because it was my arms she wanted
to be in when she left this world but because we both seemed to just accept the
inevitable. Jamie was dying.” His chin dropped as he focused on a spot
between his feet.
“It was going
to happen whether we liked it or not.
There was nothing we could do to stop it from happening and we all knew
that. It was just harder for some
people to admit…me included…for a while anyway.”
He stood up
and began to pace back and forth across the wooden planks of the porch. “It’s not that we didn’t care about her
dying, it was just that we knew there was no way to stop it so…what choice did
we have but to accept it. It’s what God
wanted.”
He stopped
and looked over the railing at the passing cars and continued. “We even planned her funeral. We went shopping for caskets and tombstones
like some people would shop for a prom dress,” he said with a sad smile across
his face.
“It had to be
the perfect fit. This was eternity we
were talking about and it had to be…well, it had to be perfect. We talked about the music she wanted to hear
at the service and even picked out songs for the choir to sing,” he paused and
closed his eyes as though he were listening to the harmonies that filled the
church on that devastating day.
“You know
what the easiest part of planning it was?
Picking out the plot. We knew
exactly where she would be buried. Our
cemetery. We even found the perfect
spot, a double plot--meaning there was room for me when I passed away
too--right under the branches of a tree so there would be some shade during the
day, but with a view of her star at night.
She wasn’t too happy about me insisting on a double plot but…” a slight
grin lifted the corner of his mouth, “oh, she was so mad. She didn’t think I should’ve been planning
my death too,” he held up his hands in defense, “and…I swear…I wasn’t, but she
was absolutely sure I was giving up on life.”
His grin was now a full-blown smile.
“She hadn’t looked that mad since that afternoon I showed up at her
doorstep asking her to run lines with me.”
He walked over
to the porch swing and sat down, pushing the ground with his foot to start the
momentum. “We used to sit on her
father’s porch swing and run lines after school for that…” he shook his head
back and forth, “…awful play that Eddie Zimmerhoff wrote.” He chuckled a bit at the memory of the first
run through they had, in which he butchered his lines. “Oh, I was so bad. I knew I was going to be the laughing stock of the whole school
if I didn’t get some help.”
“It was that
play that brought her to me though, so I should be grateful, and I am. Thank
you Eddie, wherever you are.” He said
to no one in particular.
“When I saw
her on stage that night…she looked so beautiful…so…she took my breath
away.” He stopped the swing from moving
and looked at the family that lived across the street packing up their
car--obviously heading to the beach for the day.
“She used to
love taking walks along the dock--day or night, didn’t matter. For the first few weeks of our marriage she
was able to do it on her own, but then…after a while…” once again his head hung
down as he recalled how painful it was for Jamie at the end. “…we had to get her a wheelchair so she
could get around. At first we just
brought it with us wherever we went…just in case she got tired. Eventually, she was just too weak to
stand…to walk…to breathe.” His eyes
began filling with tears, blurring his vision of the family. “That chair became
her legs and it never fazed her.
Never. Not once did she complain
about having to use it.” He wiped away
the tears with the back of his hand and continued. “Yet despite all of that…Jamie and I had a perfect summer with
more love than lots of people have in a lifetime…”
“I can’t
believe it. I’m Mrs. Landon
Carter. MRS. LANDON CARTER!” She
screamed as she launched herself into his arms.
His laughter
echoed through the vestibule of the church as he caught her and twirled around
in a circle. “I can’t believe it
either, Jamie. You’re,” he put her down
and captured her face in his hands, “my wife.” He kissed her on the mouth,
quick and hard then threw his head back and yelled in jubilation, “MY
WIFE!!”
They headed
out of the church and walked briskly through the downpour of rice; towards the
limousine Landon’s mother got them as a wedding gift. The chauffeur stood waiting with the car door open as Jamie
turned her back to the crowd and threw her bouquet of fresh flowers over her
shoulder, then stepped into the waiting vehicle.
“Would you
like to go directly to the restaurant or would you like to take a ride first,
Sir?” The driver of their limousine
asked.
“A ride.”
“A ride,”
they said in unison.
The moment
the car was underway their arms wrapped around each other in a tight
embrace.
He buried his
face in her hair, inhaling her sweet fragrance--a combination of Jasmine and
something else he could only classify as Jamie. He ran his hands over her back, her shoulders and down her arms
to capture her fingers in his. Lifting
them up to his lips he turned them over and placed a light, lingering kiss
against her wrist, then another on her wedding band. Looking deeply into her eyes he said, “Mrs. Jamie Carter. I like the sound of that…a lot.”
She giggled
softly, “It does have a nice ring to it,” she paused and tilted her head to the
side. “Thank you Landon.”
“What for?”
“For marrying
me. You have no idea how much this,”
she looked down at her wedding band, “means to me…and not just because it was
my number one, but because…” She was at a loss for words. Unsure of how to tell him how much he
altered her life, she simply looked at him and said what she was feeling in her
heart. “I love you so much, Landon. You’ll never know what it is that you’ve
given to me.”
“Jamie,” he
interrupted.
“Don’t,
Landon.” She placed her fingers over his lips to silence him. “Don’t say anything. Just hear me out, okay?”
Willing to
concede he nodded his head and made a gesture with his hand as if she should go
on.
“Maybe we
didn’t start off on the right foot.
Maybe we both made some mistakes along the way.” She thought of how hard he tried to maintain
their budding friendship during the play, how diligently he pursued her after
it was over and she was engulfed with guilt for pushing him away.
He recalled
how terribly he and his friends had treated her over the years. Sure, he was nice to her when no one was
looking, but that somehow made it even worse.
It was as though he were saying he was ashamed to be seen with her and,
for a while, he was. Feelings of
remorse filled his heart as love filled his eyes.
“I should
have told you sooner about my leukemia but I just didn’t want it to end. It was like…” she looked around the backseat
of the limo until her eyes rested upon his.
“It was like, as long as I was with you nothing could hurt me, not even
my sickness. Before you happened I
accepted that I was at the end of my life.
I knew I needed to prepare for it.
Now…I feel like my life is just beginning. I thank God everyday that you never gave up on me, Landon.” Tears escaped unknowingly from the corners
of her eyes. “I thank Him for the gift
He’s given me in you. And if this sickness
is the price I have to pay for knowing your love, then…I’m willing to pay
it. I would gladly give my life just to
spend one day loving you.”
He leaned over and kissed her tear-streaked face, squeezing her
hands tightly within his he said, “What about me? Do you think I’m not getting anything out of this marriage?” He shook his head side to side and began to
speak, “Jamie, you…you ‘re everything.”
He leaned his forehead against hers.
“You’ve changed my life in so many ways. I don’t know exactly when it happened but…I believe now
Jamie. I believe in you…in God…in
faith…” he paused as he looked into her eyes, “…in me. You made me a better person and I could
never thank you enough for that.” He
lifted his right hand up to stroke her face and captured her hand in his left
one. Running his thumb lightly over her
wedding ring he told her what’s been in his heart ever since that fateful
night, when she told him about her cancer and devastated his world. “If I could…I would die for you, Jamie…I
swear, I would.” After a long pause he
told her, “I love you.”
The remainder
of the trip was ridden in silence, with her head against his shoulder and his
arms wrapped securely around her. They
felt the car coming to a halt as he brushed his hand across her cheek, their
lips met for a gentle kiss--a confirmation of the love that filled their
hearts.
The reception
was being held at the same restaurant where they had their first date and by
the time they arrived it was already in full swing. The three-man band was on stage playing soft music; some of the
guests were dancing while others were nibbling on platters of food the waiters
were carrying around.
As the host
walked Landon and Jamie in, the band ceased playing. “Ladies and Gentlemen.”
The lead singer announced.
“Please welcome, Mr. And Mrs. Landon and Jamie Carter.” Thunderous applause broke out as friends and
family offered them well wishes. Hands
were shaken and hugs were given as they made their way through the crowd to
take their prospective seats at a table for two, located in the center of the
outdoor dining area.
Another
announcement from the band brought silence to the crowd as they said, “At this
time we would like to invite the bride and groom’s parents up to the stage to
make a toast.”
Landon’s
mother went first. Holding onto a flute
of sparkling cider she stared at the contents of the glass and released a deep
breath. “I’m standing here, trying to
remember when this happened? When did
you all grow up?” Amusement lit up the
faces of the younger crowd, while understanding crossed the faces of the older
guests. Looking directly at Landon she
asked, with a somber look upon her face, “When did you become an adult? I keep wondering--did I miss it? Wasn’t it just yesterday that I was still
yelling at you to pick up your room? Or
grounding you? Then I remembered…that
wasn’t yesterday but it was a couple of months ago.” Quiet laughter broke out amongst some of the
knowing guests. “I’ve watched you grow
in these past few months from a sullen boy, with a chip on his shoulder to a
responsible, caring man with a deep love for life and for this woman. I couldn’t be prouder.” She looked down at her feet before
continuing. “Thing is…I can’t really
take the credit for that transformation.
As much as I would like to say you’re the man you are because of my
parenting skills…we both know that’s not true.
Jamie,” she directed her next statement to her new daughter-in-law. “You gave my son something his father and I
never could. Hope. When everyone around Landon doubted him, you
looked past all that and found something good and decent inside of him.” She lifted her chin with pride as she said,
“Welcome to our family.”
“Well,
son.” Landon’s father shook his head in
disbelief, as he began his toast. “Son. Feels good to say that again and mean
it.” Clearing his throat he continued
his speech. “First I’d like to thank
you for giving me the honor of standing next to you in church today. That’s something I never thought I’d get to
experience and I’m eternally grateful that you asked me to be a part of this
momentous day,” he sniffled. “I missed out
on so much of your life, Landon and there are no words, or actions that could
ever express my sorrow. I’m not proud
of what I’ve done, of the time I’ve wasted, but I want you…both of you, to know
that I will be here for you, from here on out.
No matter what, I’ll be here.”
He stopped to rub his thumb over the teardrops that were beginning to
form in his eyes. “Landon, when you
were born, I held you in my arms and I knew the greatest gift in the world was
being your father. When I lost that…”
he trailed off. “Thank you for giving
it back to me.” He swallowed hard and
walked down the stairs to grasp his son firmly against his chest in a bear hug. “I love you, son.”
Landon found
a sense of security come over him, that had been missing for too long, in his
father’s embrace and said, “I love you too, Dad.”
Reverend
Sullivan removed some index cards from his jacket pocket and stood silently at
the microphone. Looking around the
crowd his eyes landed on the man sitting before him, the man he called, ‘the
worst kind of boy’; just weeks earlier and wondered when he began to
respect him. “I wrote down some things
last night,” he said unconsciously, “but…” Tucking the index cards back in his
coat pocket he began speaking. “Mr.
Carter,” he said in the identical tone he used the first time Landon walked
into his living room. “It was not that
long ago I was certain that your future was a dim one. I was positive that you were living your
life on the wrong side of the tracks and perhaps…at the time…I was right, but
now I see that I was wrong.”
He remembered
the day he knew that Landon Carter was going to change life, as he knew
it. “It was a weekday--I’m not sure
which one--I was standin’ at the pulpit, practicing my Sunday sermon when I
heard the door to the church open. I
had a fleeting thought that perhaps one of my parishioners needed some
counseling and when I looked up and saw you…
Let’s just say I was less than enthusiastic about it. You stood before me and asked to take my
daughter out for dinner--to which of course I immediately replied ‘NO’.” He chuckled at the memory.
Jamie leaned
over in her seat and whispered sarcastically in Landon’s ear, “I thought you
said he was ‘cool’ about it.”
“But you were
relentless in your quest. You apologized
for your harsh treatment of her in the past, saying that you knew she deserved
better and then you asked me for ‘something I teach everyday in church’. Faith.
I wasn’t sure if I was ready to give that to you.”
He rubbed his
chin as though he were thinking, “You see…I had heard you two run lines
together while you were on the porch and as much as I hate to admit it, you
didn’t sound half bad, Landon. With the exception of the line where you
commented on Jamie’s beauty, you were pretty convincing. I had spent a week listening to you two
recite scene after scene, and after that week, I knew that play almost as well
as I know the Lord’s Prayer.”
He took a
breath and let out a secret not many people outside of the drama department
knew. “I watched you both performing on
stage that night and you were doing a commendable job, Son… until she
took off her cloak. I’ll never forget
the look on your face when you said she was beautiful. You meant it. You had finally seen my daughter with not only your eyes, but
with your heart as well, and that was a hard thing for me to accept. The way you watched her every move while she
sang… I knew you weren’t supposed to
kiss her, Landon.”
“By agreeing
to let her go out to dinner with you, I knew I would lose her heart to
you. I know I was reluctant with my
decision in allowing her to date you but that was because I wasn’t sure if it
was the right thing to do. I was afraid
of losing my little girl. What I didn’t
realize at the time, was that she had more than enough room in her heart for
the both of us.” He turned his
attention towards his daughter.
“I knew, as a
man of the cloth, that God expected me to forgive Landon his mistakes, but my expectations
as a reverend were blinded by my concerns as a father. As a parent, it was my job to teach you right
and wrong, but in the end, it was you, the child, that did the teaching. You showed me how to trust…to forgive. You helped me to find my way again.” He looked lovingly at his daughter and her
husband as he said, “I’ve never been happier in my life to be proved wrong
about someone, Landon.” He smiled as he
lifted his glass and said, “To my beautiful daughter, Jamie and my new son,
Landon. I know I’m not alone when I
say; it’s a privilege to witness the gift of everlasting love that God has
given to you. Congratulations.”
Glasses were
lifted in good will. Dinner was served
shortly after. The cake was cut and now
it was time for celebrating. Friends and
family pulled up chairs, encircling the happy couple as entertaining stories
were told about Landon and Jamie’s childhood.
One story, in particular, regarding Landon losing his swim trunks at a
scouting function had everyone in stitches.
“If you’ll all
excuse me a moment.” He stood up from the table feigning annoyance.
It was Dean
that threw his words back at him, “It’s just a joke. Laugh, buddy.”
“Yeah, yeah,
yeah,” he laughed. “I’m going to get a
drink.” He leaned down to Jamie and
asked, “Do you want something?”
“Sweet tea
please,” she answered then turned to listen to Eric’s version of Landon and his
lack of acting abilities. It wasn’t
until his comment about being in the front row with tomatoes that she took note
of the music that was playing in the background.
The noise
level from the crowd slowly quieted down as they recognized the familiar
melody.
Jamie stood
up from her seat and began scanning the area for Landon. The band repeated the introduction to the
song for the third time when she finally found him. He was standing on the dance floor…alone.
Once he was
certain he had her attention, he looked at her with all the love in his heart
and asked her over the microphone, “Will you sing for me?”
She walked
slowly through the group of awed guests, taking her place next to Landon.
He turned to
leave but she held onto his hand for dear life intent on keeping him by her
side and began serenading him with her flawless voice.
“There’s a
song that’s inside of my soul.
It’s the
one that I’ve tried to write over and over again.
I awake in
the infinite cold,
But you
sing to me over and over and over again.”
He watched as
she poured her heart and soul into each word, each note. He thought of the night she first sang that
to him, the night he realized he loved her.
He didn’t know when it happened, all he knew was that he needed her in
his life and somehow, he had to find a way to keep her there…always.
“So I lay
my head back down,
And I lift
my hands and pray to be only yours.
I pray to
be only yours.
I know now
You’re my
only hope.”
She closed
her eyes as she sang those words. When
she had written the lyrics to this song, she had no idea how much it would mean
to her, how much of an impact it would have on her future. She opened her eyes to see Landon watching
her intently, cherishing every note and she felt her heart swell with joy.
“Sing to
me the song of the stars.
Of your
galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.
When it
seems like my dreams are so far.
Sing to me
of the plans that you hide from me over again.”
Eric watched,
as Jamie continued mesmerizing everyone with her melodious voice. He thought about the phone call he received
from Landon’s mother asking if he had seen him. Landon’s father had called her and told her about Jamie’s cancer
and no one had seen him since. He told
her not to worry. He was sure that
Landon would be home soon and asked her if he should come over. By the time Eric had arrived, Landon was
standing at the edge of the water, looking vacantly at the sunrise. He didn’t know what to say to him, how to
help him through this, so he tried something that he hadn’t done in years. He told him the truth. “I didn’t understand.” Watching them together now he finally
understood the depth of their love.
“So I lay
my head back down,
And I lift
my hands and pray to be only yours.
I pray to
be only yours.
I know
now,
You’re my
only hope.”
Reverend
Sullivan listened to his daughter sing as he thought back to the night that
Landon was putting together her telescope.
He had asked him if he would like some help, if there were anything that
he could do, but Landon was determined to do this for her on his own. If he needed help he would ask for it, but
for right now, he just needed the remainder of the parts, in order to finish
putting it together. It was around 3am
when Landon walked into his house and woke him up from a dreamless sleep. He had needed help carrying it up to her
balcony. As they were lifting the
cumbersome object Landon said, “I wanna ask her to marry me.” At first he didn’t know how to respond to
Landon’s statement. He knew of Jamie’s
To Do List for her life and was afraid that Landon was only asking in order to
give her another check mark on her list before dying. “I love her Sir and I’m going to ask her with or without your
blessing. I’d rather ask her with it.” He wasn’t sure if he should try to talk
Landon out of it or not. He knew the
boy loved Jamie something fierce, but he was so young. He had his whole life ahead of him. Would he really want to make that kind of
lifetime commitment to a girl that wouldn’t survive another six months? “Reverend. I love her.” He
looked in Landon’s unwavering eyes, “In my heart, Sir, she’s already my
wife.”
“I give
you my destiny.
I’m giving
you all of me.
I want
your symphony,
Singing
with all that I am.
At the top
of my lungs,
I’m giving
it back.”
“So I lay
my head back down,
And I lift
my hands and pray to be only yours.
I pray to
be only yours.
I pray to
be only yours.
I know
now, you’re my only hope.”
Their lips
came together of their own accord, as the song ended the band started playing
another. “Would you like to dance with
me Mrs. Carter?” Landon asked.
“I would love
to.”
He held her
hand firmly against his chest as his other arm went around her waist, drawing
her nearer to him. He listened as she
sighed and mistook it as a sign of exhaustion.
“Are you tired? Do you want to
sit down?”
“Landon, I’m
fine. In fact, I haven’t felt this good
in a long time. So please stop worrying.”
He cradled
her face in his hands and searched her eyes.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes,” she
whispered, “I’m sure.”
He kissed her
on the dance floor. It started off as
one of their gentle brushes of lips, but it soon turned into something
more. Landon knew he was getting
carried away and forced himself to stop.
“I’m sorry. I’m stopping.”
She looked at
him with innocence and curiosity as she said, “Why?”
“Don’t you
want me to stop?”
She shook her
head ‘no’ in answer to his question.
“But you always
wanted me to stop before.”
“We weren’t
married before.”
For weeks he
had been holding back. They had slipped
twice, that he could remember, and kissed each other with more fervor than she
would normally allow herself. It’s not that
he didn’t want to kiss her that way; it’s just that he tried not to let it
cross his mind. The whole time they
were dating he never once expected her to compromise her principles by letting
him cross that line, but now…it was as though she was asking for it and he was
more than willing to accommodate her.
With his
hands on either side of her head, he leaned in and kissed her the way he
dreamed about. With tongues, teeth,
lips. His tongue plunged into her mouth
with light pressure as if saying, ‘I’ve been waiting for this moment for so
long.’
She imitated
his motions with her own tongue as if answering him, ‘so have I.’
Nostrils
flared as his trembling hands got lost in her hair. They bodies stood unmoving, their heads tilted and twisted as
they stood still kissing each other in the middle of the dance floor--not
caring in the least who was watching.
All they knew was that they had waited for this moment for too long to
let curious onlookers ruin it for them--they were going to relish every minute
of it. When they finally pulled apart, their lips were moist and swollen. Their breathing ragged.
They rested
their foreheads against one another as she said breathlessly, “Turns out I’m
seducible after all.”
Landon knew
that it was impossible for them to go any further than what they had just done,
but he also knew that if he were going to kiss her like that again, he wanted
it to be someplace private. “You wanna
get outta here?”
Without a
second thought she said, “Yes.”
Their limo
ride was shorter than Jamie had expected.
She was sure that the hotel was further away. “Why are we stopping?”
Landon
shrugged in reply as their driver opened the door to the limo.
“Landon
Rollins Carter, what’s going on? Where
are we?”
He laughed as
he explained himself. “Listen. Before we get out of the car, I’ve got a
surprise for you.”
“A
surprise? What is it? Another sweater? Oh, I know, you built me another telescope,” she joked.
“You’ll
see.” Landon stepped out the car and
held his hand open for Jamie to grab hold of.
They stood on
a sidewalk in the middle of a residential neighborhood, directly in front of a
two-story home with a white porch.
Sitting on that porch, was the telescope she had in her bedroom at her
father’s house.
Looking at
him with a cautious glance she asked, “Landon?
Why is my telescope on that porch instead of at home in my bedroom?”
“Because,
baby…this is home.” He watched
her face, trying to gauge her reaction.
“What do you
mean?”
“I
mean…number fifteen. Own your own home.”
Shortly after
their engagement, they exchanged lists, both of them making a solemn vow that
they would do everything in their power to help make as many of those dreams
come true, for the other.
“Oh,
Landon! Are you serious?”
They began to
walk…run up to the front door as Landon dug through his pocket for the
key. Once found, he placed it in
Jamie’s open palm giving her the honors.
The heavy
door opened with a click of the latch.
Before Jamie could take a step inside, he scooped her up into his arms
and carried her over the threshold.
“Welcome home Mrs. Carter.”
Squealing in
delight she said, “Landon put me down so I can see it!”
“Nope. I kind of like you here.”
She was
anxious to see it all. It was furnished
with some contemporary looking pieces in the living room and what looked to be
an oak table in the dining room. She
tried to crane her neck around in order to get a better look.
He jiggled her slightly in his arms and
kissed what he could reach of her neck.
“I like carrying you. It feels
kind of good, don’t ya think?”
“Yes, it
feels fabulous, but Landon if you don’t put me down, I’ll…”
“You’ll
what?” He smirked. “What’ll ya do? It looks to me like I’m the one holding all the cards here,” he
said in a teasing tone. “Tell you
what…why don’t I just give you the tour myself.”
“Fine. I want to see the kitchen. Is it in there?” She pointed to the room adjacent to the dining area as the tour
of the Carter residence began.
He showed her
each room the best he could, with her in his arms. The dining room, which did have a solid oak table and 6
chairs surrounding it. The fully
stocked kitchen, supplied with cookware, flatware and an abundance of
food. The sliding glass doors leading
out from the kitchen to the wooden deck, on which a small metal table and two
matching chairs sat. There was some
other furniture outdoors but he didn’t bother with that, he wanted to get to
the best part of the house and that was still a few rooms away. As he passed a few doors he decided to save
some time and simply call out what each room’s purpose was without actually
going inside of them.
”That one leads to the bathroom…the basement…utility room.”
Finally he
headed upstairs. Securing her in his
arms he walked directly to the room he’d been waiting to show her, passing all
the other, less significant ones, he called out, “Guest rooms…bathroom…linen
closet. When he reached the end of the
hallway he said with a hint of excitement in his voice, “Go on. Open it.”
She opened
the door to reveal a large master bedroom fully furnished with a queen sized
bed, a TV and VCR--he told her later that those were guy necessities--a
walk-in closet, an attached bathroom complete with a claw foot tub and a separate
shower stall. But the best part--the
reason he bought the house for her--the French doors that lead them out onto
their secluded balcony. On it sat the
telescope he built for her.
Finally
placing her down, she stood in the middle of the room, looking around, trying
to take it all in. “Landon,” she said
nervously, “this is beautiful. But how
did you pay…I mean…did your father…”
“Sort
of.” He knew he would have to explain
where the money came from for the house sooner or later but he was hoping it
would be later. “After my father
left…after my parents broke up,” he corrected, “my dad sent checks every month
for child support. At first he would
stop by with gifts for my birthday and holidays but after the first year or two
he realized that I didn’t really care if he was there or not so he just started
sending me checks for everything.” He
shook his head in disgust thinking about all the time that he could have spent
with his dad and all the time he missed out on because of his own stubbornness. “If it was my birthday--I’d get a
check. If I lost a tooth--I’d get a
check. Easter--a check. You get the
idea? Between my “gifts” and the
monthly child support, it added up to quite a bit and with the exception of my
car…well…I’ve never touched a dime of it.
Until now that is.”
“But Landon,
wasn’t that supposed to be your college money?” She gave him a look of concern.
“Don’t worry,
Baby. There’s plenty left over for
school.”
“College is
very expensive and medical school…”
“Jamie. Trust me…don’t worry about it, my mother and
father have,” he searched for the right word, “…lucrative careers. Besides I didn’t pay for the whole
thing. My parents paid for half of it.”
“Another
wedding present?” She asked in disbelief.
“Yeah.” A
thought suddenly hit him, what if she WANTED to live at home with her
dad for the last few months of her life?
“Hey? Are you okay with this
house thing? I mean, if you want to live
with your dad I’m okay with that, as long as he doesn’t mind me living there
too.” He chuckled a bit in an attempt
to lighten the mood
“I’m fine
with it. More than fine with it. I just can’t believe it. You’ve given me so much already….and your
parents…”
“They wanted
to do this, Jamie and so did I. Okay?”
Please, he thought, please be okay with this.
“Well, I’ll
have to call them tomorrow and thank them properly.”
“What about
me? Are you going to thank me too?” He
teased.
Placing her
arms around his neck she placed a kiss on the tip of his nose and said, “Thank
you.”
She looked around
the room at the dressers and asked, “Landon.
My clothes?”
“Don’t worry
about it. Your dad packed up everything
for you and we brought it all over here this morning. Why do you think my mother insisted on you getting ready at my
house?”
“Is everything
here?”
“Yep.”
“Everything???”
She asked in astonishment.
“Uh, huh.”
“Good,
because I’d really like to get out of this dress.” Facing her back towards him, she lifted up her hair and veil and
placed it over her right shoulder.
“Would you mind unzipping me?”
“Ummmm,” he
gulped, “sure.” He lifted his hands to
the catch at her neck and released it, then slowly lowered her zipper to reveal
a glimpse of her white undergarments.
His heart skipped a beat.
She looked
back over her shoulder--at the nervous look upon his face and gave him a
simple, “Thank you.” She pulled her
arms from the sleeves and proceeded to step out of the dress still facing away
from him.
Landon
couldn’t believe what she was doing. He
watched as she sauntered across the room to hang up her gown and tried
earnestly to listen to her chattering about the day’s events. He was certain when she got dressed that
morning, she didn’t think twice about the simple white satin bra and slip she
was wearing, or the effect it would have on him.
He tried not
to stare when she sat at the vanity and began pulling pins out of her
hair. There goes the veil, he
thought. Or when she stood up and let
her slip fall to her feet. Oh, Lord, he
thought, I don’t think I can take much more of this. He knew however, that he had to leave the room when she lifted her
foot onto the bed and began unsnapping her silk stocking from her white lace
garter belt and began removing it from her leg. Oh, yeah, he thought. I
have to leave the room…fast!
“Ummm…is it
hot in here?” He ran his fingers under
the knot in his tie. “I think I could
use a drink. Would you like a glass of
water?” He asked her as he raced for
the door.
“No thank
you.”
“Well, I
could use one.” He said as he made his
escape.
He paced back
and forth across the kitchen floor talking to himself. “Calm down, Landon. You know you can’t do anything with her, so
just calm down.” His walk becoming less
hurried, he continued his conversation with himself. “You can do this. Just go
upstairs and pretend she’s not…she’s not what?? Pretend she’s not the most beautiful woman you’ve ever laid your
eyes on? Pretend that the sight of her
in a bra and slip isn’t enough to drive you over the edge? And that garter belt? Geez!”
“Landon!” She
called, “What’s taking you so long?”
“I’m just
trying to find the glasses,” he lied.
“I’ll be right up.” He opened up
the cupboard to the right of the sink and took out a glass, filling it with
cold water he reminded himself, once again, that he could do this. He had gone this long without thoughts of
sex invading his mind when he was around her, he can just push those thoughts
to the back of his head again and not think twice about it.
“Laaaaaandon!”
“Coming.”
He walked up
the stairs and took a deep cleansing breath before opening their bedroom
door. His jaw dropped at the sight that
stood in front of him. Jamie was
standing at the edge of their bed wearing a white silk nightgown. Her hair was flowing around her shoulders,
her eyes sparkling with anticipation.
And Landon had forgotten every word he had just told himself not five
seconds before.
“Jamie,” he
breathed. “I…”
“Come in,
Landon,” she said wistfully.
He didn’t
know what to do. Up until 15 minutes
ago the thought of being with Jamie in that…certain way, had never
crossed his mind. He would entertain
brief thoughts about it every now and then, but those were usually in his
dreams. Never when they were together
and absolutely never when she was within touching distance. Jamie was different, she didn’t just walk
around saying she had morals like the other girls did, she actually did
have them and she adhered to them. He
used to make fun of her--along with everyone else--for those, but in time he
came to see them as admirable and he was trying to pattern his life after the
example she set. But tonight…tonight
she was changed somehow. She wanted
something from him, something he wanted to give to her, but he couldn’t.
“Are you
coming in or are you going to stand in the doorway all night?” She asked
playfully.
He needed to
make her understand, what she was doing was driving him crazy and that she
would have to stop doing…whatever it was she was doing. He blew out a breath and ran his hand
through his hair leaving it a disheveled mess. “Jamie…” he turned his head
towards the side and saw a matching robe to her nightgown hanging on the back
of their closet door. “Are you cold? Maybe you should put your robe back
on?” Chicken, he thought. Quit avoiding the topic at hand.
She glanced
at the hanging garment and then looked back at him with a hint of panic in her
eyes. “I don’t want to put it back on.”
“Well…maybe
you should.” He insisted.
“Well…” she was
beginning to feel very uncomfortable.
She had been dreaming about tonight since the very first time Landon
kissed her --although she would never admit that out loud. She was sure Landon was nervous, she could
see it in his eyes, but now she wasn’t sure if it was fear she was seeing or
distaste. No, she thought, it couldn’t
be. “I don’t want to put my robe on,
Landon.” She had to find out. “Do YOU
want me to put it on?”
After a
minute of careful consideration he reluctantly said, “Yeah.” The pain that showed in her face reminded
him of that day by the lockers. She was
hurt, and with good reason. Her husband
just turned her away. He needed to make
her understand that it wasn’t her. It
wasn’t that he didn’t want to do this.
It was that he couldn’t.
How could he? She had
leukemia. It wasn’t that long ago he
was spending the night in the hospital holding her hand and praying that she
would make it through the night and now she wanted him to…NO, he thought. NO WAY!
I cannot do this. “I think it would be for the best if you covered up.”
She gave him
a curt nod and walked to the closet to retrieve her robe. She threw it on over her shoulders, not
bothering to put her arms in the sleeves and walked out through the French
Doors onto the balcony. She stood
staring at the stars, thinking about that night they spent in the
cemetery. The night she told him her
number one. Maybe she should tell him
that becoming his wife, in more than name only is a number on her list
too. Then maybe he wouldn’t feel so repulsed
by the thought of being intimate with her.
He hurt
her. He knew it. Now what?
Landon thought. Now what are you
going to do? He watched her walk right
by him and onto the balcony. He knew he
should talk to her, tell her what he was feeling, but he didn’t know how.
They both
stood in their perspective spots for what seemed like an eternity. Landon changed into some pajamas then turned
on the TV set. He continued to glance
at her, she never moved. This is
ridiculous, he thought. This is our
wedding night and I don’t want to spend it watching TV. He shut it off and walked out onto the
balcony with every intention of putting this unpleasant incident behind them.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” she
said quietly.
“Wanna show
me your star?”
“Not really.”
“Well, are
you going to just stand out here all night?” he said lightly prodding her to
talk to him.
“Nope.” She
snapped.
“Then what’d
ya wanna do?” Whoops, he thought. Shouldn’t have said that.
“Well, I wanted
to make love with my husband,” she looked accusingly at him, “but that doesn’t
look like it’s going to happen.”
“Look,
Jamie…”
“No. You look, Landon.” She turned to face him head on, intent on giving him a piece of
her mind, but unable to once she saw the distraught look on his face. “What is it? Why don’t you want me?
Aren’t I pretty enough?” Her
last question came out as a strangled whisper.
He was
shocked, “Not pretty enough? Is that
what you think??? Do you think I don’t
want to be with you?”
She nodded
her head and looked back out towards the sky.
Shaking his
head from side to side he said, “Well, you’re wrong, Jamie. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever
laid eyes on. I’ve never wanted anyone
or anything so much in my entire life.”
She turned to
face him again, “Then why did you turn me away?” Tears started falling from her eyes.
He wanted to
take her in his arms and kiss her, show her just how much he loved her, how
much he wanted her, but if he touched her even once, he would be
lost. “Jamie, you’re illness…”
“I’m sick
Landon, not dead!” She stormed back
into their bedroom and stood at the edge of the bed with her back towards
him.
Landon
followed, “I know you’re not dead. But…”
“But what?”
Her hair flung across her face, strands of it got stuck in her mouth when she
twirled to face him.
He reached
out to remove the hair from between her lips and confessed, “I’m scared.”
Her features
softened, “Scared of what?”
“Scared of
everything,” he admitted and plopped down on the bed’s edge. “I’m scared of hurting you, scared of what
might happen if we do…you know.
I’m scared it might cause you to become sicker or take you away from me
sooner or…”
She knelt
between his knees and lifted up his drooping head with one finger. “Landon,” she whispered attempting to get
him to focus on her. “Look at me.” She waited until his eyes fell upon her
face. “I haven’t felt this good since
we did the play. It’s like God has
given me this burst of life before…” his tearful eyes averted her penetrating
stare. “Look at me.” She needed him to
focus on her.
“I
can’t. It’s too hard.” Holding back his tears was beginning to make
his body quiver.
“I’m sick
Landon. I’m going to die whether we
like it or not.”
“DON’T SAY
THAT!” He finally looked right at her
and the dam of tears burst from his eyes.
“But I am,
Landon!”
“Just…don’t
say it, okay?” His voice softened.
“You have to
accept this. You can’t keep pretending
that it’s not going to happen.”
“I’m not like
you Jamie. I can’t just accept your
death like it was nothing. I know it’s
going to happen. I know that. I just don’t…don’t want it to.” His head fell into his hands as his gut
wrenching sobs shook his quaking body.
With tears
streaming down her face she asked him, “Do you think I WANT to die? Do
you? Well I’ve got news for
you. I don’t. I want nothing more than to grow old with you, have children with
you…grandchildren. I would give
anything to spend the next hundred years showing you how much I love you,
but--Please, Landon. Look at me.” She begged him. He lifted his eyes to hers.
“I don’t have a hundred years. I
don’t have ONE year. All I have
is now and I don’t want to waste it.
Please Landon. Let’s not waste
what little time we have.”
He fell to
his knees, crushing her lips to his and holding her close. “I love you so much, Jamie.”
Holding his
face between her hands, she said, “Then show me.”
He stood with
his pajama bottoms on, looking out over the balcony, thinking about tonight and
coming to the realization that he would never be able to make love to Jamie
again. Being with her was beautiful--a
sharing of the soul, but it would harm her too much to do that again. He felt her walk up from behind him and
circle his waist with her warm arms.
“What’re you
doing out here? I got worried when I
didn’t see you lying next to me?” She
laid her head between his shoulder blades and gave him a squeeze.
“I couldn’t
sleep so I thought I would come out here and think.”
“Think about
what?”
“About you…about
me.” He looked over his shoulder
at her luminous face and realized that she was wearing the matching pajama
shirt he had overlooked before going outside.
“You look cute in my shirt.”
“Thank
you. Quit changing the subject,
Landon. What were you thinking?” She hoped he wasn’t sorry about
tonight. Afterwards they both knew that
they would never be able to be that close again. It would be too hard on her health, but during…her health
and his worries never factored in.
“I was
thinking that,” his voice was so soft.
“I’m glad I waited.”
“Waited?” She
was confused about what he waited for.
“Waited for what?”
He pulled her
around to his side and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. He was pretty sure that Jamie didn’t know
tonight was a first for him too. “For
you…for us,” he whispered.
“When I was a
kid--I must’ve been about sixteen--I was going on my first car date and my mom
thought that she should sit me down and have “The Talk” with me.” He laughed at the memory. “She was pretty nervous about it. Times like that I bet she could’ve used my
father around. Anyway…she started
lecturing me on the use of condoms and teen pregnancy. You know…all the typical sex talk
stuff. Of course I--being too cool for
the room--only half listened to her and kept rolling my eyes. It was pretty hard for me to talk about
things like sex. And with my mother,
of all people. Ewwww. I just wanted the conversation to be over so
I could take out…geez…I can’t even remember her name anymore. Well, anyway, I just wanted to go out on my
date, but on my way out the door she stopped me. Thinking back on that night, I realize that it wasn’t the talk
about teen pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases that stopped me from
giving my virginity to someone; it was what my mother said. I’ll never forget it.”
“She said, ‘Sex
is not a game, Landon. It’s not
something you do because your girlfriend wants you to, or even because YOU want
to. It’s not something you should be
pressured into doing by your friends…or anyone else for that matter. It’s a gift and I promise you, Landon…if you
look at sex as nothing more than a recreational sport, you’ll never know the
joy…the feelings it can bring to you.
You’ll never have the pleasure of knowing what it truly means to be one
with someone.’ At the time I had no
clue what she was talking about and up until tonight, I still wasn’t quite sure
I understood what she meant.”
He turned to
face her, to look directly in her eyes when he told her, “I know I’ll never be
with anyone else in my life and I’m okay with that, because for the rest of my
life, I can take pleasure in knowing that I was able to share something
perfect…special, with you and only you.”
“I’m glad we waited till we were married
because…I know what my mom meant now, when she talked about becoming one with
someone. We made a promise to pledge
our lives and our love to one another, but tonight…in there,” he tilted his
head towards their bedroom, “we sealed those vows and there’s nothing in this
world that can be as miraculous as that.”
He brushed his fingers against her cheek and whispered softly against
her lips, “you’re my soul mate, Jamie and I’ll treasure tonight for the rest of
my life.” He kissed her gently on the
mouth and forehead, then scooped her into his arms and carried her to bed.
“I love you.”
“I love you
too.” Spooning his body behind hers,
they drifted off to sleep, secure in the knowledge that making love to each
other tonight--this one and only time--would be enough to last them both
for the rest of their lives.
She woke up
wrapped in his strong embrace. His
right leg was thrown over her hip, his foot tucked between her legs and his arms
circled her upper body in a bear hug.
His head rested on the same pillow as hers as the soft hum of his snore
echoed in her ears. In short…it was the
best morning of her life, but it was time to wake up.
“Landon,” she
said softly. When he didn’t budge she
spoke a little louder. “Landon.” Still--no movement. “LANDON.”
“Hmmmm?” He
replied groggily. “No
school…t’saturday,” he slurred.
She giggled
softly and began squirming her body trying to break free from his grip. “Landon.
Come on. It’s time to get
up.” She couldn’t seem to escape his
arms and legs. “LANDON!!!”
“What?”
“It’s time to
get up.”
“Mmmkay. Just five more minutes, Mom,” he mumbled.
Laughter
bubbled from her throat, “We’re going to be late for church.” She nudged him with her elbow a little,
“Come on, Landon.” She felt the rhythm
of his breathing change and knew she was finally making some headway. “We’ve got to get up. Now!”
His eyelids
fluttered opened as he adjusted to his surroundings. He was in bed…it was morning…Jamie was in his arms…JAMIE WAS IN
HIS ARMS! Oh, shit…what’ll her dad…wait
a minute…
She felt him
startle for a second then relax, “Is everything okay?” She couldn’t make out his face due to the
position they were lying in, but she pictured it. She couldn’t see his smile, but she knew it was there.
“Yeah. Everything is just fine…perfect.” He snuggled closer to her and thought, what
a way to wake up.
“We need to
get out of bed Landon. I don’t want to
be late for church.”
Church. That’s right. It was Sunday and they needed to get ready for church. Now that he was the reverend’s son-in-law
there would be no skipping out of that.
The funny thing was, since he and Jamie began dating, he actually looked
forward to going to church. He would
sit in the pew with his mother while Jamie would sing in the choir. She always looked right at him when she sang
and it always sent chills down his spine.
“Hey? Are you singing this
morning?”
“No. Why?” His grip finally eased up and she rolled
over to face him.
A look of
disappointment flashed across his face.
“I just like hearing you sing.”
“Well, I’ll
be taking a bath in a few minutes, if you want I could keep the door open and
you could listen to me sing in the tub.”
She giggled.
“Gee,
thanks,” he said with a hint of sarcasm.
“Listen, why don’t you take a bath and I’ll get breakfast ready.”
“Okay.”
They had gone
to church and afterwards invited their family back to their house for some
lunch. They were cleaning up the lunch
dishes when Jamie asked, “Landon, would you do something for me?”
“Sure. What?”
“Would you
take me shopping?”
“Of
course.” He hadn’t expected Jamie to
ask him to take her shopping, read the bible with him, or even pray with him,
but not shopping.
“So, what’d
ya wanna get? Need a new dress or
something?”
She put down
the towel she was using to dry the dishes and looked at his back. “A casket.”
He stopped
sweeping and turned to look in her direction.
She had to be kidding. “A
casket?”
“I’ve been
thinking that…since I’ve been feeling pretty good these past few days we should
probably take advantage of that and start planning my funeral.”
“Your
funeral? We just got married
yesterday. Don’t you think you’re
jumping the gun a little here? Why
don’t we wait a few weeks then we can talk about it?”
“A few
weeks? Landon…I may not have a few
weeks.”
“It’s just
that you’ve been feeling so good lately…I thought…” he blew out a breath and walked
into her opened arms as realization hit home once again. “I’m sorry.
It’s just that times like these it seems like there’s nothing wrong, you
know?” He held her for a minute then
said into her hair, “We should make a list of things you want done. What kind of service you want, open or
closed casket.” He pulled away and
looked into her face, “Where you want to be buried.”
She gave him
a gentle smile and said, “Our cemetery.
We’ll have to look and see if we can find a plot there.”
“Yeah,” his
smile was soft, his words even softer, “We’ll go tomorrow.”
“Thank you.”
She rested her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes taking in the
moment when a thought hit her, “What will I wear?”
He knew she
wasn’t talking about tomorrow; she was talking about what she was going to wear
after she left him. “The blue dress you
wore on our first date and the sweater I gave you.”
She lifted
her head off his shoulder and smiled into his eyes.
Landon made
an appointment with the gentleman at the cemetery for 1:00 that afternoon. Before that they were going to a few of the
local funeral homes. The first stop was
a small funeral home led by a stuffy old man named Boris. Nope, they both thought. The second place was a bit bigger, but the
person that was in charge was out of the country for two weeks and they decided
that they would come back if they didn’t find anything else. The third place was a quaint funeral home
set in an old Victorian house. It had a
garden out back with a fountain in the middle of it. There was a small pond at the edge of the garden where some swans
and geese resided.
“This is it,
Landon. It’s perfect.”
They went
inside and spoke with Brigid, the funeral home director. She had a way of making everything seem so
normal. She discussed with them the
importance of certainty--making sure that what Jamie got was what she wanted. “This is your day, dear, so make sure it’s
what you want.”
They
discussed music, mood, prayers, and floral arrangements and by the time they had
to choose a casket, both Jamie and Landon felt a little more at ease.
“How about
this one?”
“Mmmmm. I don’t really like it. How about this one over here?”
“Jamie. It’s black,” he whispered.
“So?”
“You don’t
belong in a black casket. Let’s check
out the other room.”
They walked
into the second room and saw it immediately upon entering. It was off white on the outside with matted
silver handles. The inside was
cushioned in a thick-pillowed padding, lined with a soft pink, material made of
silk. Brigid began explaining the
features to them, but they heard none of it.
They just knew that this was the one.
They
finalized everything--Landon promised to bring back a tape with Jamie’s
favorite music sometime during the next week and they headed off to the
cemetery.
The gentleman
in charge of the cemetery, Mr. Hargrove, seemed very understanding when they
explained the situation. “Feel free to
look around at the spaces that are available.
There are a few spots that have markers in them--those are already
spoken for and please…take all the time you need and let me know what you
decide.”
They walked
around the cemetery in silence, both of them remembering that last night they
spent here. The night she told him she
loved him, the night he gave her the star.
They walked around graves and headstones towards the empty knoll ahead
of them and stopped under a tree. It
was there that they found Jamie’s resting place.
“This is
perfect, Landon. I’ll have shade during
the day and I’ll still be able to see my star at night.”
“Well, then…I
guess this is it. I’ll let Mr. Hargrove
know that this is where we’d like our plots.”
He turned to walk back, when her arm reached out to grab his.
“Our
plots? What do you mean?” She asked
with a very concerned look on her face.
He gave her
that knowing grin and said, “Well, you don’t think I’ll let just anybody spend
eternity next to my wife, do you?”
“Landon. This isn’t funny. What do you mean our plots? I thought we were planning my funeral, not yours?”
“We are. I just figured I should get the plot next to
you for when I…go. Don’t you want me
next to you?”
“No, it’s not
that. Its just…Landon. What if you get married after I…”
“That’ll
never happen,” he looked so sure of himself, of his statement.
“But it
might. I don’t want you to give up on
life just because I’m not here.”
“I’m not
giving up on life.”
“Then why are
you buying a cemetery plot?”
“Because I
want to spend eternity next to you. Is
that okay?” Landon tried to get her to
understand that there would be no one else after her. She was it. “Why would
you think that I’d find someone else?”
“Because…I
can’t stand the thought of you being alone.”
He held on to
her upper arms and said, “I won’t be.
I’ll have you with me wherever I go.”
He brushed his lips against her forehead and felt her arms come up
around his back in a gentle embrace.
“I’ll always
be with you.” She kissed him. “Always.”
Their morning
customs seemed to be set by the past few days’ events. Jamie would wake up
Landon, by nudging him in the gut a few times.
Landon would go down and prepare breakfast while Jamie bathed, then he
would hop in the shower as she washed the dishes. They did this everyday for the first two weeks of their
marriage. It was as though they were
living normal, regular lives.
Jamie’s
energy level had been erratic. One day
she would be chattering away to him the next she would have bouts of fatigue,
but for the most part she seemed fine.
On the days of her doctor’s visits--twice a week--they would stop by her
dad’s house for a few hours then swing by his mom’s for dinner. Jamie had felt like their life was becoming
a routine, something she never thought possible and she loved it. They spent some days at the beach and some
days at home just relaxing together on the swing they had out back or lying in
their lounge chairs in the sunshine. At
night they would go to the harbor and take a walk along the water, or look
through her telescope at her star. They
would sit in silence for hours at a time, not needing to say anything, just
enjoying each other’s company.
Today
however, Landon’s friends had stopped by with a picnic basket full of food and
Eric brought a boom box along with a bunch of the weirdest music Jamie had ever
heard. She did however, like one
song. It was fun and upbeat and when
Eric heard it on the radio he sighed, and said, “You’re really messin’ with a brother’s
groove now, girl.” But she didn’t
care--she liked it.
So it came as
no surprise when Landon walked into the kitchen and heard her singing it to
herself. What did surprise him was what
she was doing. He watched her making a
pitcher of mint tea for their guests, dancing from refrigerator to sink to
cupboard, and listening to her as she sang the chorus over and over again. He knew he would never forget this
moment. This was the quintessential
Jamie--full of life, love and happiness and not ashamed to show it. Her smile, lighting up the whole room. God, he thought, how I love her.
She jumped
when she saw him standing next to the counter.
“How long have you been there?”
“A little
while.” He said with a crooked grin.
“Here. Why don’t you carry this outside?” She handed him a tray with the pitcher of
iced tea and some glasses on it. “I’ll
be right out.”
“Yeah, but I
don’t want to miss the encore,” he joked on his way out the door. Life was good. That Saturday was one of the best days of his life. His friends became their friends and
for one afternoon they were all healthy and happy eighteen-year old kids with
not a trouble in the world. Unless, of
course, you counted Eric’s exceptionally bad taste in music.
“Jamie,” he
whispered. “Jamie, it’s time to get
up.” He shook her gently. “Baby, we’re gonna be late for church.”
Her eyelids
fluttered open, then closed, and then open again. “Landon?”
“Yeah…it’s me
baby.” She had looked disoriented. Probably just cause she woke up, he thought.
“Landon.” Her
thoughts were becoming clearer as she tried to focus on her husband’s concerned
brow. “What time is it?”
“It’s almost
7:30. The service starts in an hour.”
“I just need
a few more minutes, okay?” She let her
heavy lids droop and drifted back to sleep.
“How long has
she been asleep?”
“Since last
night. Well, she woke up for a minute
this morning, but then she went right back to sleep again.” He thought of waking her up several times
this morning but she just seemed so exhausted that he didn’t have the heart to
go through with it. Her father would
understand if they missed the church service this week. Yesterday was a long day…maybe too
long. Their friends had stayed until
after dark and by the time they were ready to turn in for the night Landon had
to carry Jamie up the stairs to their bedroom.
He climbed into bed behind her and fell asleep listening to the steady
hum of her breathing.
He’d been
watching her sleep for over three hours now and he was beginning to get
worried. He had placed a call into her
doctor’s office, but her regular physician was out of town and the person they
had on call for him didn’t know Jamie’s case too well so Landon called his dad.
“I’ll place a
call to the hospital and have them send over her home care providers.”
“Thanks, Dad.
But…do you think I should bring her into the emergency room? What if it’s something serious?” Landon heard his father release a deep
breath on the other end of the phone’s receiver.
“It is
serious,” he paused. “She’s got cancer,
Landon.”
“I know that,
Dad, but she seemed to be doing so much better.”
“Landon. Jamie experienced what most terminally
ill patients go through. There’s no
medical term for it. It’s just a burst
of energy that seems to come right before…before the end.”
Landon’s
breath caught in his throat, “Do you mean…today?”
“No! No! I’m just saying, it doesn’t surprise me
that she was doing so well but… Look
Landon. A lot of times it turns out to
be a mind over matter type of situation.
I’ve been monitoring Jamie’s health ever since you brought it to my
attention and although she hasn’t had any major changes for the worse, she
hasn’t showed any signs of improvement either.”
“But…but…Dad…if
you could’ve seen her these past two weeks…”
“Landon. Jamie’s a very strong willed individual, but
even the strongest of mind can’t avoid the repercussions of this disease.” After a minute he said, “I’m sorry, Son.”
“Yeah.” Landon’s heart felt as though someone had
just let the air out of his lungs. “So,
are you coming?”
“Yes. I’ll be there shortly. In the meantime, I’ll call the hospital and
arrange for homecare to start back up again.
They’ll inform her doctor’s office.
You should call her father and your mother…”
“Her father
already called here this morning when we didn’t show up for church. He’s on his way with mom now. Should I try to wake her, maybe give her
something to eat?”
“You could,
but I’m not sure if she’d be able to keep it down right now. Maybe just some warm liquids to start off
with. Hot tea, some broth…things like
that.”
“Okay.”
“Don’t
worry. I’ll be there soon, Landon.”
“Thanks,
Dad. Bye.”
“Landon?” Her throat was dry and her voice weak.
“Jamie! Are you all right? I’ve been worried sick…”
“Mmmmm. I’m fine.
Just a little tired. How long
was I asleep?”
“A
while. Are you hungry? Thirsty?”
“A little
thirsty.” She struggled to sit up and
Landon rushed to her aide. “It’s okay.
I can do it.”
It was hard
for him to stand back and watch her struggling on her own to sit up. “I’ll go make you some tea.”
He stood in
the middle of the kitchen thinking, it was just yesterday she was singing,
“Breakfast at Tiffany’s” and dancing across the room. The past two weeks flashed through his mind. Jamie walking down the aisle, Jamie singing
in the bathtub, washing dishes, brushing her hair, holding hands as they walked
along the dock where they had their first date and kissing her in the
moonlight. Feeling the soft, velvet skeins
of her hair blowing in the wind against his skin, her hands running up his
back, the sound of her voice whispering ‘I love you, Landon’ against his
lips when he made love to her on their wedding night. He missed her already.
The rest of
the day was a blur. Jamie’s father and
his mother showed up within minutes.
The hospice workers arrived and began running different tests. Landon’s father got there shortly after and
ordered blood to be drawn, and an IV to be put in until she was able to
eat. By the end of the day Jamie lied
in bed with tubes coming out of her, machines beeping, and an IV dripping.
Landon
realized that he wasn’t ready for this yet.
Not yet. They had just gotten
married. He knew they didn’t have much
time, but this was just too soon. He
sat at the edge of the bed and ran his hands through his hair then stood up and
walked out onto their balcony as his tears started streaming down his
cheeks. He looked towards the heavens
and began speaking to God in a horse whisper.
“What did I
do? Was there something…somewhere in my
life I could’ve done something to prevent this from happening? Am I being punished? If you want someone so damn bad, why can’t
you take me?? Why?? She’s never done anything but good. She’s spent her whole life believing in
you…in what you stand for. She’s the
best person I’ve ever known. Why?? Why??”
His sobs shook his body as he began bargaining for Jamie’s life with
God. “Look…I know I haven’t spent as
much time in church as I should have. I
haven’t lived the kind of life you expect people to live, but I will. I swear.
I’ll do anything you want…anything… if you’ll only…please don’t take her
away from me?” He begged. “Please!”
He collapsed as the rain started to come down in buckets. “I don’t know what I’d do without her. I’ll do anything you want. Anything.
Just don’t take her. Not
yet. Please! Not yet. Just a little
while longer. Please.”
He lay
back on his bed with his hands behind his head, looking up at the sky, awaiting
the darkness. The moon gradually
appeared as the stars popped up one by one within the dark background. The moment he was waiting for would be here
soon and when it came, his world would be full again. Full of love…hope…life. A
flash of white streaked across the night sky creating a star that shined
brighter than all the others. He looked
to his side and saw her walking across the cemetery towards him, her feet never
quite touching the ground.
She was
wearing her wedding dress. Her hair was
cascading down her back in soft waves and would billow around her shoulders
when the breeze caught it. Her skin was
luminescent, her eyes bright and her smile even brighter. She held her arms out in front of her,
waiting for his hands to capture hers.
He pulled
her down to join him on their mattress and kissed her--a soft kiss of
exploration. He could hear her voice
whisper softly “I Love You Landon” with every warm breeze that caressed his
skin, but her lips never moved.
“Jamie,”
he whispered. “I miss you so
much.”
She lied
in his arms sharing warm, tender kisses and gentle touches until the sun began
to rise. He dreaded the rising sun, for
with it, came the pain of losing her again.
He began to shake violently as the fear of loneliness consumed him.
“Landon,”
she said softly in his ear. “The birds
are singing.”
“Jamie,”
he whispered. “Don’t leave me.” His stomach was churning. He tried to hang onto her, but she was
fading into the sunrise. “Don’t leave
me.”
“Landon,”
her voice gradually getting louder, “the birds is ringing.”
He tried to
control his trembling, as he heard Jamie’s voice wake him from a deep sleep,
“Landon. The phone is ringing.”
The bright
sun accosted his eyes as he held onto her tightly. Relief washed over him as he slowly came to the realization that
it was only a dream. It was just a
dream, he told himself. She’s still
here. She’s still here.
“Landon. The phone.”
She could feel his erratic breathing, his body quivering against
hers. “Landon? Aren’t you going to answer that?” When she got no reply she asked, “Are you
okay?”
He struggled
to get out a reply. “No…yeah…just…just
give me a minute.” The ringing of the
phone subsided.
She tried to
face him but his grip on her was too strong.
“Landon, I can’t move.”
“Just wait a
sec, okay? Just….” He buried his face
in her hair and breathed deeply.
“What’s
wrong?” She was starting to get
worried. Ever since her home care
started back up again a few days before, he had been having nightmares. She begged him to tell her what they were
about, but he never did.
“Nothing’s
wrong. I just need to feel you for a
minute.”
“Did you have
another nightmare?”
“Don’t worry,
baby. I’m fine.”
She wanted to
press him to share his troubles with her, but before she could try the phone
intruded once again. She watched as he
went through his morning routine before answering it.
He sat on the
edge of the bed and ran his hand over the razor stubble that grew during the
night, and then raked his fingers across his scalp leaving his hair sticking up
in little tufts all over his head.
“Hel…ahem,”
he cleared his throat. “Hello.”
“Oh,
hey. What’s up? Did you hear anything?”
She could
only hear one side of the conversation but from Landon’s replies and the tone
of his voice, she knew it was his father.
They had been waiting for some test results to come back regarding her
blood count.
“Mmmmm
hmmmm….Yeah….She’s right here….Nope…She seems to be…Great…So when will
they….Okay…Okay…Sounds good Dad…Talk to ya later.”
“So?” She
asked, anxious to hear the results of her most recent blood test.
“Well,” he
turned around to face her. “Your white blood cell count isn’t up but
your red count is down.”
“Oh, no.” She
looked dejected.
“No,
baby. That’s a good thing. Well...not a good thing per say, but it’s
not as bad as if your white cell count went up.” He reached for her hands being
extra careful for the IV that was still in place. “That means that it’s the anemia, not the leukemia that’s causing
you to feel this way. My dad said that
your condition is still basically the same, but if we don’t watch out for the
anemia then it could cause some major problems for you.”
“Anemia? That’s it?”
“Yep.” He
hugged her tightly. “That’s it.”
She felt the
relief wash over her. “So all I have to
do is increase my iron intake?”
“Well…it’s a
bit more complicated than that, but…yeah.”
“Oh,
Landon. This is wonderful.”
“And you know
what else?”
“Hmmmm?” Her smile
was lighting up the room again.
“You get to
get rid of all of this shi…stuff today too.”
He said making a gesture towards all of the medical equipment that had
recently taken up residence in their bedroom.
“When???”
“As soon as
your homecare providers get here.”
She pulled
back and looked at him as laughter seemed to bubble up from her throat and echo
throughout the room.
“What’s so
funny?”
“Your
hair.” She was holding on to her
stomach from laughing so hard. “You
should see it. It’s got this…pinwheel
thing….”
“What’s wrong
with my hair?” He asked as he made his way over to the mirror hanging above
their dresser. “Oh.” He said as he took
in the site that greeted him. “Scary. Well.
I guess I should probably get cleaned up before they get here,
huh?”
“Unless you
want to scare them to death…” she couldn’t seem to control her laughter. It wasn’t just his hair it
was…everything. She had gone to sleep
every night for the past few nights thinking that she wouldn’t wake up the next
morning and now she and Landon were laughing uncontrollably at his morning
hairstyle.
Her regular
physician had come and gone, along with her day nurse. They examined Jamie and removed her IV and
disconnected her from the monitors that had been running. Her doctor gave her a list of daily
supplements to be added into her diet and told Landon to call him if her
condition changed for the worse.
“Look,
Landon.” She was waving her left hand around.
“It’s gone.” She was speaking
about the tube that had been providing her with nutrients and fluids for the
past few days.
“Better make
sure that you follow that diet or else that IV will be back in there before you
know it.”
“Yes, Sir!”
They walked across
the room, into each other’s embrace silently thanking God for the second chance
that she had been given…that they had both been given. Closing their eyes they held onto one
another, cherishing the beat of their hearts.
Life would go on, for faith endured.
“I love it in
this room.” She sat on the piano bench
with Landon and looked around her father’s living room. “It’s like I can feel my mom all around me.”
She said and rested her head on his shoulder.
“Hey,” she said quietly. “You
know what we should do?”
“What?” he
looked at her lovingly.
“Why don’t we
go through some of my music and pick out the songs I want at my funeral?”
Up until this
morning, it was hard for Landon to think about her funeral without wanting to
die himself, but after his father’s phone call, he felt as though he should be
grateful for every minute with her. He
had made a deal with God a few nights ago--to live his life the best he
could--if only He would spare Jamie’s life for a little while longer. God had answered ‘yes’ to his prayer
and Landon wasn’t about to go back on his part of the deal, even if that meant
looking at Jamie’s funeral the way she did--as the beginning of a magnificent
journey. “You know what? I think that’s a great idea.”
They had gone
through stacks of music narrowing their choices down slowly but surely. Landon was reading the sheet music for one
song in particular and smiled. He
handed her the music and asked her, “Can you play this?”
“Sure,” she
said, when she looked at it and smiled back into his eyes.
Her fingers
slid delicately over the piano keys as she played the introduction to the song,
then she began to sing, filling the room with her crystal clear voice.
“Lying
here with you,
Listening
to the rain.
Smiling
just to see,
A smile
upon your face.
I thank
God that I’m alive.
These are
the moments
I’ll
remember all my life.
I’ve found
all I’ve waited for,
And I
could not ask for more.
Looking in
your eyes,
Seeing all
I need.
Everything
you are
Is everything
in me.
These are
the moments
I know
heaven must exist.
These are
the moments
I know all
I need is this.
I’ve found
all I’ve waited for,
And I
could not ask for more.
I could
not ask for more than this time together.
Could not
ask for more than this time with you.
Every
prayer has been answered,
Every
dream has come true.
Right here
in this moment
Is right
where I’m meant to be.
Here with
you.
Here with
me.
As she played
the musical interlude, Landon thought about the words to the song. He was certain that when this song was
written the author must have had him and Jamie in mind.
These are
the moments
I thank
God that I’m alive.
These are
the moments
I’ll
remember all my life.
I’ve found
all I’ve waited for,
And I could
not ask for more
I could
not ask for more than this time together.
Could not
ask for more than this time with you.
Every
prayer has been answered.
Every
dream has come true.
Right here
in this moment
Is right
where I’m meant to be.
Here with
you.
Here with
me.
No, I
could not ask for more than this love you gave me,
Cause it’s
all I’ve waited for.
And I
could not ask for more.”
“Neither
could I, Jamie,” Landon said placing a soft kiss against her forehead. “Neither could I.” A feeling of tranquility rose up from deep within him, as he
finally understood the gift that was given to him on this day. He was given the chance to live, really
live his life to the fullest. The
words to her song went through his mind, ‘These are the moments I thank God
that I’m alive.’ Yes, he thought,
they most certainly are.
Reverend
Sullivan watched them as they went through the various sheets of music and
books--reading lyrics--finding some that they thought appropriate and
disregarding others. It bothered him
that they were able to find pleasure in doing something that was so agonizing
to him. They seemed to discuss her
demise as easily as some people talked about what they were having for dinner. Over the past few months Jamie had asked him
several times to help her plan the funeral, but he continually put it off as
though avoiding it, would somehow prolong her death. He loved his daughter and wanted her to be happy, but he couldn’t
watch this. He couldn’t watch her and
Landon go on with their lives as though tomorrow would never come. It would. And when it did, it would take Jamie away. As happy as he was to see Jamie up and
around again, it pained him to watch what she was ultimately planning for. When he heard her begin to sing, he felt his
heart breaking. He questioned the
Lord’s wisdom for taking such a sweet and innocent soul. And when he heard Landon’s response to her
song, he questioned his own wisdom. He
had dedicated his life to God, yet he was still unable to accept the Lord’s
plan for his daughter’s life as readily as Landon was able to. How can I preach the word of God, he
thought, when I don’t agree with it?
It was hard
for Jamie’s father to watch them go through this. Landon knew that, but it was even harder for Jamie as her father
gradually closed himself off. She
missed him. They had spent just over
two hours at his house the day prior and he had hardly said two words to them. He was surprised to see her--happy even, but
he just couldn’t seem to look her in the eyes.
Landon called Eric and asked him to bring Sam over for a while and to
sit with Jamie while he was gone. He
needed to run some errands in town and he needed to have a little visit with
his father-in-law.
“Hey
man!” Eric called to Landon from his
parked car. “You sure you want Sam in
there? What if Jamie doesn’t want him
to come inside?”
“Jamie will
love him. Come on!”
Jamie sat on
a lounge chair outside getting her fill of the morning sunshine, when she saw
this huge fur ball coming at her. “Oh, my
goodness,” she dropped her book. “Who
is this?” She sat on the edge of the
chair and let the giant mutt cover her face with wet, sloppy kisses.
“This is
Sam,” answered Landon, “Eric’s dog.”
“Where’s
Eric?”
“He’s hiding
in the kitchen cause he thinks you’re going to kill him for bringing this big,
dirty mutt inside of your house.”
“Oh, don’t be
silly.” She began to rub the sides of
the dog’s face and behind his ears. “I
love animals.”
“That’s what
I told him…”
Eric peeked
his head out from the sliding glass doors and asked, “Is it safe?”
He got his
answer when he looked at Jamie and Sam.
The dog had thrown himself down to the ground and Jamie was rubbing his
belly and laughing at the rapid movements of his hind leg. “Oh, Eric.
He’s great! Thank you so much
for bringing him over.”
Landon
slapped Eric on the back and said laughingly, “You may never get him back
buddy.”
Jamie watched
as Landon left that morning and turned to Eric. “He’s gone. Let’s
go. We only have a few hours.”
“Okay, but
are you sure we should be doing this? I
mean what if something happens while we’re out?”
“I’ll be
fine, Eric but we’ve got to hurry. I
want it to be all set up before he gets back.”
Landon had
felt guilty at first for leaving Jamie with Eric, but then he realized that she
probably wouldn’t even notice he was gone--Sam had monopolized her attention
from the minute he licked her face. He
pulled up in front of the church and took a deep breath. Well, he thought, here we go again.
Reverend
Sullivan was standing over his pulpit putting on the finishing touches to
Sunday’s sermon when he heard the door open.
Looking up he saw his son-in-law walking up to him as he’d done once
before. “Landon. What brings you here? Is Jamie with you?”
“No,
sir. It’s just me.”
“Is
everything all right? Nothing’s wrong
with Jamie is there?”
“No. No Jamie is fine, she’s home. I…ummm…I wanted to talk to you…alone.”
“Well, sit
down. Sit down.” He made a gesture
towards one of the pews.
Landon wasn’t
sure where to begin--he knew he needed to do this--he just wasn’t sure how to
go about it. “Sir? Are you aware that your daughter is sick?”
Reverend
Sullivan was taken aback by the directness of Landon’s question. “Landon I’ve been aware of it for sometime
now,” he said sharply.
Landon made
every attempt to be gentle when he asked the next question. “Well then, why are you treating her as if
she were already dead?” He asked under his breath
“Landon! You have no right…”
“Reverend,
I’m not trying to disrespect you, but you must know that your treatment of her
isn’t going to change anything, except for maybe the way Jamie leaves this
world.”
He tried to
control his temper, but what Landon was saying was hitting too close to
home. “Just because you’re my
daughter’s husband doesn’t give you the right to speak to me that way. I have been dealing with this for years
Landon. I’ve been the one to watch her
go through treatments, to hold her hair back when she couldn’t keep food in her
system, to help her dress, help her walk.
I was the one sitting at the hospital, praying for God to make her
better. So don’t ask me if I’m aware of
Jamie’s pending death. It’s all I’m
aware of.”
“I know how
you feel.”
“No! You could never know how I feel.” He pointed
an accusing finger at him. “No one
could ever know how I feel.” He hung his head, fighting off tears.
“You’re
wrong. I know exactly how you
feel. It’s like your heart is being
ripped out of your chest,” he gulped.
“I had nothing
in my life before your daughter came into it.
I thought it was full, but it turns out that all the things I
thought were important, weren’t really that important after all.”
His voice got
softer as he slipped back in time, “I remember the first time Jamie told me she
loved me. It was like God had forgiven
me for everything I had done wrong in my life--and there was a lot to
forgive. He gave me this
wonderful…beautiful girl to love and for some reason she loved me back. I don’t know what it is I’ve done in my life
to deserve her. I don’t know why she
chose me. Hell…I don’t even know why
she said yes when I asked her to marry me.
The one thing I do know is that she loves me and I love her and to waste
what little time God has seen fit to give us, with regret or remorse, would be
a sin.”
He stood up
to make his way out of the church, turning when he got to the edge of the
pew. “Your daughter loves you. She misses you. She needs you …and so do I.
I don’t know what you need to do to help you get past this, but you need
to do something, because before you know it, you’ll look back and realize that
life just passed you by. I threw away
too many years to count, by not letting my father in my life. Don’t make the same mistake I did, Reverend.” He waited for a response and got none. “Well…I guess I’ll see you on Sunday.”
Landon walked
into his back yard around dinnertime, expecting to see Jamie and Eric lying
around with Sam underfoot. What he saw
was Jamie lying in a hammock with Sam by her side and Eric nowhere to be
found. Citronella candles surrounded
the area that they occupied and Eric’s boom box was sitting on a table close by
playing soft music, accompanied by two glasses and a bottle of sparkling cider.
“Hey.”
“Hey.” Jamie
turned her head leisurely to face him.
“Welcome home.”
“What’s all
this?” He said gesturing towards the hammock and the other paraphernalia that
she had set up.
“Eric helped
me do it. Do you like it?”
“Yeah. I do.” He leaned over her lounging form and
kissed her hello. “Speaking of
Eric…where is he? I didn’t see his car
outside.”
“I sent him
home about an hour ago.”
“Jamie,”
Landon looked at her as though he were about to scold her. “You know you shouldn’t be alone right now.”
“I wasn’t
alone. I had Sam.” At the sound of his name the dog’s tail
started wagging. “See. He’s protecting me, aren’t ya boy?” She said
to the animal.
Landon
chuckled at the dog’s reaction to Jamie and thought; back off Sam…she’s mine
and I’m not sharing.
They ate a
light dinner, drank sparkling cider and eventually made their way over to the
hammock.
Landon lied
on his back with Jamie tucked in the crook of his arm, facing him. Sam had taken his place underneath the hammock
and occasionally Landon’s hand would brush against his soft matted fur.
“Landon? Do you love me?”
His eyebrows
furrowed, “Of course I do.”
“Then will
you do something for me?”
The corners
of his lips lifted in a smile as he thought of the first time they had this
conversation. “Anything.”
“Will you
tell me about your nightmares?”
He turned his
head away from her for a moment considering her request then looked up at the
sky and began speaking. “It’s after
your funeral and I’m in the cemetery.
Our bed is in the exact spot that I placed the blanket that
night--remember? And I’m just lying
there on the bed with my hands under my head, looking up at the sky--waiting
for night to fall. I watch as the stars
come out and then with a flash of light…you’re there. I look across the tombstones and see you walking towards me--your
feet never quite touching the ground.
You’re wearing your wedding dress, but you don’t have on your veil and
your hair looks like it did that night in the play. You look the same every night, but the sight of you always seems
to leave me breathless. We spend the
night together--never actually talking, yet somehow we’re able to communicate.”
“What do we
do together?”
He looked at
her gentle smile, and began lightly rubbing his hand up and down her arm. “We kiss, hug…sometimes we dance…sometimes
we make love,” his voice scraped. “But
it always ends the same way. The sun
comes up and no matter how hard I try to hold onto you…you just fade away with
the sunrise.”
“Oh,
Landon. That doesn’t sound like a
nightmare to me. Spending every night
in your arms--loving you. It’s sounds
like heaven.”
“I guess I
never looked at it that way before.”
“How could
you not? You know what I think?”
“What?”
“I think it’s
God’s way of telling you that he’ll never take me away from you.”
“Yeah…I think
you’re right.”
He looked
deeply into her eyes as he whispered the words that had been running through
his mind. “These are the moments I
thank God that I’m alive. These are the
moments I’ll remember all my life. I’ve
found all I’ve waited for, and I could not ask for more.” He leaned in to place a light kiss against
her lips, but when he felt her gently part them for him he lost himself in her
soul.
“Have you
seen my shoe?” She checked under the bed.
“What
shoe?” They had fallen asleep in the
hammock again last night and woke up late this morning.
“My black
shoe? The one that matches this
one?” She stuck her foot out to show
him the shoes’ mate.
“Nope. Did you look in the closet?” He said
adjusting his tie then finally just ripping it off in disgust.
“Yes, I
looked in the closet. Where on earth
could it have…” She trailed off as she began looking around the room.
“Ummm….Jamie?”
Landon interrupted.
“Hmmm?”
“ I think I
found your shoe.”
She gave him
a questionable stare.
“Take a
look,” he pointed towards Eric’s dog Sam, who had taken up residency with the
Carter’s since Wednesday of that week.
Eric had come to pick him up the day after he and Jamie set up Landon’s
new hammock, but Sam didn’t want to go and Jamie didn’t want to let him
go. Eric agreed to let the dog stay for
a while and promised to bring back some of the dog’s necessities, like food,
water bowl, toys…
Jamie looked
at the fluffy dog and sighed. “Oh,
Sam. What am I gonna do with you?” She removed the slobbery shoe from the dog’s
dripping mouth by the thin strap on the back.
“Well…I guess I’ll need to wear a different pair of shoes.”
Landon
noticed that she sat down instead of going to the closet to get a different
pair of shoes and offered to get them for her.
“Which ones?” He called out from their walk-in closet. The brown ones or …” he came out of the
closet holding a pair of flats, “…these black…” he stopped mid sentence and
dropped to the floor in front of her, shoes forgotten. Her pallor came as a shock to his
system. She had gone from vivacious to
lifeless in a matter of seconds.
“Jamie! What’s wrong?”
“Nothing…I
juhhst… need to…cahhh…catch…. my breath.”
The pain hit her suddenly. She
felt like a thousand white-hot needles were stabbing at her limbs. It’ll pass, she thought. Just give it a minute and it’ll pass. She continued taking deep breaths and
thinking positive thoughts. This is
nothing. It’s just a little twinge, she
told herself. As her pain began to
subside she heard Landon’s voice in the background.
“Here,” he
made to pull the covers down, “lie down.”
“No…Lahhndon…Really…aahll…be
fine. Sometimes it…just hits me…that’s
all.” Closing her eyes she took a deep
cleansing breath and blew it out.
“See,” she lifted the corners of her mouth in a smile that never reached
her eyes. Some of the color was coming
back to her skin. “I’m fine.” The pain
was gone now, but Jamie knew it would be back.
She was getting worse. She could
feel it. Her energy level was gradually
decreasing. She found herself sleeping
more each day and eating less. The
anemia, that she had been warned about, was turning from bad to worse and her
leukemia was right behind it. “Come
on,” she said as she stood up to put the shoes he pulled out from the closet
on. “We don’t want to be late for
church.”
“Maybe we
shouldn’t go?”
“Landon, if
we don’t go to church again this week, my father is going to start thinking
that you’ve gone back to your old ways,” she joked. “Besides, Eric’s bringing Sam’s stuff today and I personally
would rather he stopped using my shoes as a rawhide.”
They rode to
church in silence. Landon’s left hand
was draped over the steering wheel while his right hand gripped Jamie’s.
She looked
out the window, appreciating the beauty God had created: flowers in full bloom,
birds singing, the blue sky, white fluffy clouds. She inhaled the smell--a mixture of fresh cut grass, salt water
and wild flowers--filing it away in her memory for future reference.
When they
pulled into church it was Landon’s mother that greeted them, not Jamie’s father
as she had hoped. He’s probably just
busy. The service would be starting
soon. We were running late today, she
told herself as they took their seats and listened to the choir sing a
beautiful rendition of “His Eye Is On The Sparrow.”
They went
through the customary readings, prayers, hymns then Reverend Sullivan stood at
the pulpit looking down at his flock, his eyes coming to rest on his daughter
and the man she married. “Good
Morning,” he said solemnly.
The
congregation replied in unison, “Good morning.”
“I’d like to
begin this morning’s service with a prayer that I read a long time ago. It’s one that I hadn’t thought about in
years, but a few days ago I was reminded of it by someone close to me,” he
glanced at Landon and began to read.
“One night a
man had a dream. He dreamed he was
walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one
belonging to him and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at
the footprints in the sand. He noticed
that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of
footprints. He also noticed that it
happened at the very lowest and saddest times of his life. This really bothered him and he questioned
the Lord about it. ‘Lord. You said that once I decided to follow You,
You would walk with me all the way. But
I have noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life, there is only
one set of footprints. I don’t understand.
Why when I needed You most, You would leave me.’ The Lord replied, ‘My son. My precious child, I love you and I would
never leave you. During your times of
trials and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that
I carried you.’ ”
He looked out
amongst the congregation and confessed.
“For a long while now, I was sure that the Lord had left my side. That He had forgotten about me…about my
daughter. He must’ve left me, for why
else would He allow something so horrible to happen to my child? There could be no other explanation, right?”
“As a
minister, people look at me as though I am infallible…at times…myself
included. I forget that--all though I’m
a disciple of the Lord--I am still just a man.
A man--like any of you. Filled
with hopes, dreams…fears. I have to
remind myself, that I am not perfect.
That my hopes and dreams--although the right choice for me--may not be
the right choices for others. And that
sometimes fear is not a sign of indignation in a minister, but a sign of
humility in a man.”
“For weeks
now I’ve stood up here and spoke to you about sin, about guilt, lies,
deceit. I’ve spent my sermons putting
the fear of God into all who would listen.
I told you that God wanted us to take Him into our lives and that we
should emulate Him in everything we do and if you didn’t…well, then you were
wasting this wonderful gift of life that He has bestowed upon us.” He looked
down at the ground in shame, “Easier said than done I’m afraid,” he slowly
lifted his head. “I come to you today to
ask your forgiveness…to ask the Lord’s forgiveness…to beg for my
daughter’s forgiveness. I
apologize. At the time, my words…my
actions reflected that of a feeble man and not that of a man of God. So today’s sermon will not be about wasting
our lives, but about giving thanks in the life we’ve made for ourselves.
Celebrating the joys, the gifts and even the heartaches that God has given to
us.”
“At this time
I’d like to ask my daughter if she feels well enough to bless us with a song--a
song that is more than fitting with today’s message.”
Jamie nodded
her head in agreement. She got up
slowly, with Landon’s hand guiding her by her elbow; she made it across the
church to the piano. Sitting down she
smiled a knowing smile when she saw the music her father had already placed on
the stand before her. She began playing
the song that her father had taught her many years ago…after her mother died.
“I’ve had
lots of tears and sorrow
I’ve had
questions for tomorrow
There were
times I didn’t know right from wrong
But in
every situation
God gave
blessed consolation
That my
trials come to only make me strong.
I’ve been
a lot of places
And I’ve
seen a lot of faces
There were
times when I’ve felt so all alone
But in
those lonely hours
Yes those
precious lonely hours
Jesus
showed me that I was His very own.
Through it
all
Through it
all
I’ve
learned to trust in Jesus
Learned to
trust in God
Through it
all
Through it
all
I’ve
learned to depend upon His word.
I thank
Him for the mountains
And I thank
Him for the valleys
And I
thank Him for the storms he put me through
Cause if
I’d never have the problems
I’d never
know that He could solve them
I’d never
know what faith in God could do.
Through it
all
Through it
all
I’ve
learned to trust in Jesus
Learned to
trust in God
Through it
all
Through it
all
Yes, I’ve
learned to depend upon His word.”
Reverend
Sullivan’s heart swelled as he listened to her singing. He didn’t notice when she wasn’t able to
hold her notes as long as she should have, or when she came in late at the
beginning of a stanza because she was catching her breath. To him, Jamie’s voice was the most exquisite
sound in the world, second only to the sound of her laughter and what she was
singing was the most valuable message that could be conveyed: without suffering, there would be no
compassion.
“Where’s my
Sammy?” Eric asked as he made his way into Landon and Jamie’s living room. “What’d ya do with him? Sam?” he began calling out, “Yo! Sammy!”
Jamie giggled
as she said, “He’s out back. Come on,”
she led the way to their back yard where one giant fur ball lied in the shade
under a tree.
The second
Sam heard the sliding door open he jumped up and bolted towards Eric and Jamie.
“Ya see,” Eric said, “he misses me…aww
shit.” His optimism deflated as the
running dog made his way straight into Jamie’s arms.
“What’d I
tell ya, buddy? You ain’t never getting
him back,” laughed Landon.
“Lannnndon?” His mom called from the kitchen. Where do you keep your glasses?”
“Hold on a
sec, Mom.”
“I’ll help
her,” said Jamie. “It’ll be nice to
have some time alone with your mother.”
“You
sure?” Landon asked with a look of
concern in his eyes. Jamie had two more
spasms of pain since this morning and he wasn’t completely convinced that it
was nothing--as she kept insisting it was.
“I don’t want you to push yourself.”
“I won’t,”
she leaned on her tiptoes and placed a kiss on his forehead. “I’m feeling much better now and I really
think your mom is gonna need some help with lunch.”
“Maybe we
shouldn’t have invited everybody over today.
I mean…if we had planned it that would be one thing, but…” the doorbell
rang interrupting him mid sentence.
“I think it’s
too late,” Jamie whispered and made her way to the kitchen as Landon answered
the door.
Everyone was
there. Jamie’s father, Landon’s
mother--his father was on-call and couldn’t travel that far away from the
hospital--Belinda, Dean, Tracy, Sally, Mr. Kelly--all of their closest friends
had stopped by after church to just spend some time with them. Jamie looked around her house, it was
cluttered with people’s purses, light jackets, dog toys…it looked lived in and
she loved it. On the patio Belinda and
Tracy were having a war with Eric over what radio station should be played and
Reverend Sullivan, Mr. Kelly and Ms. Garber had their heads together, deep in
conversation. Landon had come in the
kitchen and offered to help with lunch and his mother readily put him to work
getting glasses, plates, and utensils…
Their heads shot towards Jamie as they heard the loud crash.
“Jamie!!! Baby!!!”
“Oh, my God!”
They cried out in unison.
In less than
a second Landon was by her side, cradling her in his arms, kissing her
forehead, whispering, “Shhhh…it’s all right.
It’ll be all right,” as he rocked her back and forth gently in his
arms. “Shhhh…baby…shhhh.”
Jamie tried
to relax but the pain was just too great.
The stabbing pains she experienced earlier had gotten worse, her lungs
felt like they were burning and she couldn’t catch her breath.
“Mom. MOM!” he yelled when she didn’t respond
right away.
“Yes,” she
said breathlessly, “what can I do?”
“Around that corner,
in the closet you’ll find a small oxygen tank…get it. FAST!” He continued to
rock Jamie back and forth, whispering to her, “Oh, baby, baby, everything’ll be
all right. It’ll be all right.” Landon knew he had to remain calm. He had to keep focused. Get her some air then call the doctor, he
chanted over and over again. His mother
came barreling around the corner with the oxygen and he told her what to do. “Slowly turn the knob on top until you hear
it start to hiss.” He waited for the
sound, then he said, “Now take those little tubes and put them into her
nostrils…wrap that part,” he gestured with his chin towards the elastic band,
“around the back of her head to keep it in place.” He watched as his mother performed the task, then ordered Jamie
to take in the air. “Slowly.” He watched her cringe when she tried to take
a deep breath. “I know it hurts baby,
but you’ve got to breathe. Come on…in
through your nose…out through your mouth…again…inhale…slow…slow…good…it’ll get
easier. Just let the oxygen work for
you. Don’t close your eyes…look at
me…try to focus on me.”
She lay there
limp and lifeless, wanting to scream in pain, but unable to for lack of
air. She could hear Landon barking
orders out to his mother, heard the slamming of a door and saw the concern in
Landon’s face when she opened her eyes and looked into his. “Lahhhn…”
“Shhhh,
baby. Don’t try to talk. Don’t say anything…just breathe.” He leaned down and placed a kiss atop her
brow, whispering into her hair, “…just breathe.”
“Landon? Should I call her doctor?”
“Yeah, Mom…if
you don’t mind.”
“Where’s
the…”
“The number
is programmed into the phone, just hit the pound sign then number one.”
After a few
minutes Jamie’s breathing began to steady, the throbbing began to fade but for
the occasional twinge that accosted her legs.
The doctor
had told them that pain like this was normal for someone in Jamie’s condition
and that he could prescribe something to help ease it. The shortness of breath was a side effect of
the anemia and other than giving her oxygen when she needed it, there was
nothing more that they could do. “Just
make her comfortable. If her symptoms
get worse you can bring her into the emergency room, but…other than giving her
painkillers and oxygen, there’s just nothing else…I’m sorry.”
“Mom?
Would you mind telling everyone we’re sorry, but we’ll have to cut today
short? Jamie needs to…”
“No, Landon,”
Jamie’s hand reached out to squeeze his arm.
“Jamie, I
don’t think…”
“I want them
to stay. I’ll be fine.”
“Look. The doctor said…”
“I know what
the doctor said.”
“I think I’ll
give you two some privacy,” said Landon’s mother.
“Landon,
don’t ask them to leave. Please,” her
eyes pleaded with his, “for me?”
He gave her a
lopsided grin and agreed to let her enjoy her company as long as she kept the
oxygen on and laid in one of the lounge chairs. “That means, no helping my mom in the kitchen. No running after Sam. No…”
“Fun,” she
finished for him with a little giggle. Holding
two fingers up she said, “Scout’s Honor.”
He lifted up
her third finger and placed a kiss on it saying, “You forgot one.” He carried her out to the patio and laid her
down in an empty lounge chair. Kneeling
down next to her he said, “I’ll be back.
I’ve got to get your oxygen tank.”
He stood up and started walking towards the open screen door when her
voice stopped him in his tracks.
“In your
arms--that’s where I want to die, Landon--in your arms,” she looked at him with
such certainty.
He could feel
the tension fill the air. His mother
stood up and said that she needed to clean up the mess in the kitchen. Reverend Sullivan got that familiar look of
disappointment in his eyes as others started swallowing like they had lumps in
their throats. Not a sound could be
heard other than the brushing noise of Sam’s tail against the wooden planks of
the patio. Without the bat of an eye he
walked back to her and knelt down beside her.
Smiling brightly into her eyes he cradled her face in his hands saying,
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Leaning in to place a soft kiss on her lips he mouthed, ‘I love you.’
He sat there
and watched her as she slept peacefully.
It had been five days since they had their friends and family over for
lunch. Five days since Sam left his
semi-permanent residency. Five days since Jamie’s doctor started her on
medications for pain management and to help increase her production of red
blood cells. Five days since she had
been able to sleep without pain, without a burning heat radiating through her
limbs--a tingling in her legs and feet.
Five days since she had eaten more than just a few bites of her
food. Five days since she had been able
to walk on her own. Five days since she
had left their bed and in those five days Landon felt his world slowly begin to
crumble.
The pain
medications that the doctor had prescribed to begin with didn’t work and only
caused Jamie to shake and vomit. They
had tried adjusting the dosages, but it just didn’t seem to be the right
medication for her. They had started
using Tylenol #3 a few days earlier and it seemed to be working, the only
problem was that she slept constantly and when she wasn’t sleeping she was
nauseous and dizzy.
Landon preferred
the constant sleeping to the not sleeping at all. He had spent the last week holding her night and day, rocking her
when she would wake up trembling in pain, rubbing her sore muscles, giving her
sponge baths, spoon feeding her bland soups and clear liquids. He watched as the pounds melted off of her
already thin frame. Her breathing was
getting more and more difficult and her skin more and more pale. The doctor assured Landon that once they
found the correct dosage of the proper medication, she would eventually adjust
to the side effects and be able to start doing things on her own again, but
until then, Landon had to watch her slowly wither away.
If it’s this
bad now, he thought, what the hell will it be like at the end? How will you deal with this when she gets
closer to… Don’t think about it Landon, he told himself, just don’t think about
it. You’ll find a way to make it
through. She need’s you to be strong. He started making a mental list of things to
do, things to prepare for. I’ll have to
make a record of her medications--keep track of what she’s taking, when she
taking it, side effects. What
medications don’t work for her.
Allergies… the beeping of the alarm brought him out of his stupor. He jumped up and reset it before it scared
Jamie, then he got a fresh glass of water and started preparing her next dosage
of medication.
He counted
out the pills: two for the pain, one to
increase red blood cell production, one for nausea, one for the tingling in her
extremities, two for the white blood cell production…by the time he finished
counting there were 10 pills in all.
The next time the alarm went off she would only have to take 6, but
after that she would be back up to 10 again.
No wonder she couldn’t stomach any food, he thought.
“Jamie,” he
whispered as he sat on the bed’s edge.
“Jamie, I need you to wake up baby.
It’s time to take your meds.” He
ran his hand down the side of her arm and gently shook her. “Baby, it’s time to take your pills.”
Her eyelids
fluttered open. She tried to get her
thoughts about her but they were just too fuzzy. Landon was saying something to her; he was helping her sit up. Mmmmm Landon, she thought, I don’t want to
wake up. She tried to move her lips, to
tell him that she wasn’t hungry--she didn’t want whatever it was he was giving
her--but all she could manage was a faint whisper, “not hungry…so tired.”
“I know
baby. I know,” he said as he placed a
couple of pills on the tip of her tongue and made her sip some water. “Just swallow these and then you can go back
to sleep.” He gave her a few more sips
of water then made her eat a few saltines before giving her the remainder of
her medication.
Jamie was
gradually becoming aware of her surroundings.
She was chewing on a cracker when she looked at Landon and said, “You
look horrible.”
“Gee. Thanks,” he chuckled. “Nice to see you too.” He grabbed her hand and lifted it to his
lips placing a soft kiss against her fingers.
“Hi.”
“Hi,” she
smiled. “What time is it?”
“Around one
or so.”
She looked at
the darkness through the French doors and asked in disbelief, “in the morning?”
“Uh huh.”
“Mmmmm. What’re you still doing up?”
“Watching you
sleep,” he confessed with a crooked grin.
“Sounds
exciting.”
“Oh…very. About a half an hour ago, you rolled over
from one side to the other…it had me on the edge of my seat,” he laughed
quietly.
“Why didn’t
you come to bed with me?”
“I wasn’t
tired.”
“Hmmm,” she gave
him a gentle nod and asked, “then why do you look so…”
“Horrible?”
he finished for her.
She smiled up
at him and said ‘yes’ with her eyes.
“Well…I guess
I haven’t really gotten much sleep lately.
It’s been kind of hard for me to relax, ya know?”
“So why not
lie down with me now?”
He looked at
her, unsure of whether or not he should.
“Come on,”
she urged. “I’ll help you relax and
you’ll be asleep before you know it.”
He continued
to look doubtfully at her as she patted the empty spot on the bed to her right.
She watched
him as he finally conceded to come to bed with her. He removed his clothes and put on his pajama bottoms, then
climbed hesitantly into bed next to her.
The moment he got in a comfortable position, she placed herself in the
crook of his arm and put her head on his bare chest. She listened to the rapid beating of his heart, felt the tension
in his arms and knew he was worried about falling asleep.
“Landon. Relax.”
“I’m trying
to, but…” He trailed off thinking about her next dosage of medication--it was
in less than four hours.
“But what?”
“I’m just
worried. I don’t want to miss your next
dosage and what if my tossing and turning keeps you awake? I just,” he looked down at her soft
features, “ You need your rest. It’s
been a tough week for you.”
“For you
too.”
“Nah. It’s been all right.”
“Landon,” she
glanced up at him with raised eyebrows, daring him to tell her that nothing
that had happened in the past few days fazed him.
“Okay…it’s been
a little nerve wracking,” he confessed, “but I think I’ve been holding up
pretty well. Don’t you?”
“You’ve been
doing a great job…I think,” she looked ashamedly down, “I can’t really remember
much of what’s happened.”
“Yeah…I
suppose that’s a side effect from the first prescription. You didn’t handle that one too well, but I
think this one should be okay. At least
I hope it’s okay. You seem to be doing
all right with it--you’re sleeping better anyway. That first prescription--Perceset--really made you sick. It took away your pain but replaced it
with…” He looked down into her smiling eyes and said, “I’m not really relaxing
am I?”
She shook her
head against his chest and said, “Nope.”
“I’m sorry,
baby. I’ve had a lot on my mind
lately.”
“Well why
don’t you let me help you take your mind off of things for a while.”
“Okay,” he
agreed. “How’re ya gonna do that?”
“Hmmmm,” she
thought for a minute. “I know. I can tell you about us.”
“Us?” He gave her a questionable stare, “What’d ya
mean, us?”
“You know…our
future.”
He looked
down at her trying to understand what she was saying. Was she talking about her funeral again? How was that supposed to take his mind off
of this past week?
“We’ll still be
living here--I love my house--and we’ll have our family and friends over every
Sunday after church for lunch. And
somehow…we’ll have to get Eric to give us custody of Sam.” She looked up into his confused face and
continued, “How many kids do you think we’ll have? I’m thinking two…a boy and a girl, but not till we’re done with
school. I think it’ll be too hard to
manage both college and children, don’t you?”
He was
starting to get the hang of this little game now. “Definitely. We wouldn’t
want Tommy and Alicia to feel neglected.”
“Tommy and
Alicia?”
“Our kids.”
“Oh,” she
smiled at the thought of naming their two unborn children after the characters
they portrayed in the school play.
“When do you
think we should have them?”
“Probably, after
I graduate from medical school.”
“With
honors.”
“But of
course.”
“Is that
before or after I join the Peace Corps for a year?”
“After. Don’t you remember? We joined the peace core right after high
school.”
“Oh, that’s
right. You were so nervous about
getting your malaria shots.”
“Hey. Can ya blame a guy? Did you see the size of those needles?” They both laughed at the make believe
memory, wishing it were true.
“Do you
remember our first Christmas?” She asked.
“How could I
forget?” He said softly, “I remember you waking me up on Christmas
morning. You were so excited about the
presents under the tree that you couldn’t wait till we got home from church to
open them up so you woke me up while it was still dark outside.” His hands began stroking her arms, as his
lips got lost in her hair. He kissed
her head lightly and whispered, “It was the best Christmas of my life.”
“Mine too,”
she sighed. “I wish we didn’t miss the Fourth
of July celebration this last week.” She was starting to let reality intrude,
“Oh, Landon. I’d give anything to spend
one Christmas with you.” She looked up at him and asked, “Did you know that
Christmas is my favorite holiday?”
“Yeah,” he
figured that. He wasn’t quite ready to
let reality rear it’s ugly head yet, so he continued with the fantasy. “But I
know what other holiday you like.”
“Oh,
yeah? Which one?” she smiled as she
laid her head against his chest again.
“Halloween.” He smiled thinking about the year he was in
the 6th grade and Eric had dared him to ring Reverend Sullivan’s
doorbell. Jamie had been sitting on the
porch and she had asked him if trick or treating was fun. Landon realized that Jamie had never gone
and when she went back into her house he had left his full bag of candy on her
porch for her to find in the morning.
He had told Eric that Reverend Sullivan took his bag of candy as
punishment for playing a prank on him.
“You love getting dressed up every year and taking the kids trick or
treating.”
“So what if I
do?”
He chuckled
at her, “I just think it’s…cute.”
“Cute?”
“Uh huh. Especially when you dress up in your
butterfly costume. That’s my favorite
costume.”
“Well it
matches my tattoo.” They both laughed
softly. “Landon?”
“Hmmm?”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For taking
care of me.” She could feel her
medications start to affect her. She
was getting light headed and her thoughts were starting to become fuzzy again. “For loving me.” She said softly as she closed her eyes and let sleep claim her.
Landon lied
with her in his arms for a few minutes before reaching for the phone. “Mom?” he said quietly. “Sorry for calling so late, but…could you do
me a favor?”
Landon was standing
at the sink washing the dishes that had built up over the past few days, when
he felt two frail arms encircle his waist.
He closed his eyes when he felt her lay her head between his shoulder
blades and said her name as if a benediction, “Jamie.”
“Good
morning. Where you going to wake me?”
He dried his
hands the towel that was slung over his shoulder and turned to hold her in his
arms. “I wasn’t sure if I should. How are you feeling?”
“Pretty
good. I was thinking…I’d like to go to
church tomorrow?”
“Are you sure
you’re up to it? Your father would
understand…”
“I feel up to
it. And I really miss my dad. I’m not sure if I can get ready on my own
though.”
“Well, I
think I can help you out with that.”
Landon leaned in for a good morning kiss when a thought dawned on him,
“Hey. You walked down the stairs by
yourself.”
“I know,” she
smiled. “It didn’t hurt to stand up
today.”
“I think we
may have found the right medication.
How’s the nausea?”
“Well…I’m
hungry, so I guess it’s doing all right.”
“Here sit
down,” he pulled out a stool from under the counter. “I’ll make you something to eat.”
Landon
watched as Jamie ate and they made plans to go to her father’s house. “If we go today, we can spend the night
there and then go to church together in the morning.”
“Oh,
Landon. Are you sure you don’t mind?”
He could see
the excitement in her face. She needed
to get out of this house for a while, she needed a change of pace, and more
than that, she needed to feel like she was still alive. “Yeah.
As long as your dad doesn’t mind.”
“He won’t
mind. I know he won’t. I’ll call him
right now.”
They had a
great day at Reverend Sullivan’s and met up with Landon’s mother at church the
next morning. They had turned down several
invitations for lunch afterwards opting to go straight home. Jamie was tired and all this walking was
starting to take a toll on her.
Landon pulled
the car up to the front of their house and shut off the engine. Placing his hand on Jamie’s arm he said,
“Wait there.” He walked around the side
of the car and helped her out. Scooping
her up in his arms he carried her to their front door and tried to control his
excitement. His heart was pounding, his
palms were sweating--he wanted her to enjoy this, to just forget about
everything and enjoy their life together.
He put her down on her feet, turned the key and pushed the door slowly
open.
Jamie felt
her heart jump the second she looked inside.
There was a fully decorated Christmas tree standing in the corner of
their living room with presents underneath it and colorful lights blinking,
stockings were hanging above their fireplace. On the walls were giant red
hearts with white lace trim, plastic Easter eggs were in a basket in the middle
of their coffee table, a giant green shamrock was on one side of the sliding
glass door, a decal of an American flag was on the other, a big plastic
jack-o-lantern was sitting in another corner of their living room accompanied
by a brown bag overflowing with candy.
On the kitchen counter was the top tier of their wedding cake that
Landon’s mother had put in her freezer the day they got married; next to it was
a card that said “happy anniversary.”
He stood in
their vestibule waiting--watching her face light up, her eyes gleam.
“Oh, Landon,”
Jamie’s hands came up over he mouth in disbelief as she walked through her
festive living room. “I can’t
believe…when?” Tears of joy escaped
from the corners of her eyes.
“My mom did
it for me while we were at your dad’s last night.” He threw his keys onto the little table next to the doorway and
walked over to her. “The other night
you said that you wished we could have one Christmas together and I thought,
why stop there.” He watched her as she
touched the ornaments and said to her back, “Did I over do it?”
“NO!” she
turned quickly to face him, “No…it’s…perfect.”
She walked into his arms clinging to his back she began to let her tears
flow, “I never thought that I’d…” she choked.
“Shhhh,” he
whispered into her ear, “Don’t cry baby.
Please don’t cry.”
She held onto
him for what seemed like an eternity then said, “Are those presents real?”
He pulled
back and looked into her smiling eyes, “I don’t know. Let’s check it out.”
They both got
down on their knees and started digging through the boxes that were placed
under the tree. Some of them were
wrapped in Christmas paper, some in birthday paper, some in anniversary paper
and all of them had either Jamie’s or Landon’s name on it.
“So, which do
you want to open first?” He asked.
“Hmmmm. I don’t know. You choose.”
“ ‘kay,” he
picked up a birthday present and handed it to her and said, “Happy Birthday
Jamie!”
They spent
hours talking, laughing. Hiding Easter
eggs. Opening presents from not only Landon’s
mom but his father and Jamie’s father too.
They were all pretty traditional gifts--not that they’d have any reason
to use a gravy boat, but the fact that they got one made them both giddy with
delight.
They spread
out a blanket in the middle of the living room and had a picnic of cold fried
chicken, potato salad and iced tea.
She lifted
her glass in a toast. With a mouthful
of food she said, “Happy Fourth of July.”
He lifted his
as well and said, “Happy Fourth,” he hesitated for a moment and said, “I just
wish I could’ve arranged for some fireworks.”
“Oh don’t
worry,” she swallowed a sip of her tea, “I’ve got that covered.”
“Oh really?”
“Uh huh, but
you’ve got to wait till nighttime.”
They cut
their cake and kissed each other over the kitchen counter.
“Happy
Anniversary, Jamie.”
“Happy
Anniversary, Landon.”
It was
starting to get dark outside and they decided to shut the lights off so they
could appreciate all the twinkle lights that were strewed around their living
room and across the Christmas tree.
Landon turned up the air conditioner until their living room felt like
the North Pole, and then he built a fire in the fireplace.
Jamie lay
flat on her back in front of it--feeling the warmth--Landon laid on his side
gazing down at her. It was getting
late--the day was almost over.
Their fingers
began to slowly entwine, their eyes were locked in a passionate stare, filled
with love and devotion. Their noses
rubbed gently from side to side as they breathed each other in.
He saw the
reflection of the fire flicker in her eyes.
Her skin was glowing, her velvety soft hair shimmering. His open lips brushed gently against hers as
he threaded his fingers through the hair at her temples, cradling her face in
his palms. Their lips continued rubbing
timidly back and forth across each other, no heavier than that of a gentle
summer breeze--their eyes never closing.
They were so close now that Landon’s head blocked the reflection of the
fireplace from her upturned face. He felt
her flick her tongue against the corner of his mouth as though she were taking
a taste and his breath caught. Shivers
rode outward from every pore of his body.
Behind them the clock quietly chimed the new hour.
Jamie raised
her free hand to brush his cheek with her fingertips, “Happy New Year, Landon,”
she sighed against his lips.
“Happy New
Year, Jamie,” he said chokily. His lips
poised, his heart pounding in his ears.
Her fingers
curled into the hair at the nape of his neck as she melted into his kiss. Minutes later she pulled away. Her words were soft, breathy and made the
hair on his arms stand, “Mmmmm…Fireworks.”
The gentle
ping of rain bouncing off of her telescope echoed through the tranquil night. She sat up, trying not to disturb Landon’s
sleep and walked down the stairs. She
smiled when she opened the sliding glass door, remembering the shamrock that
had been taped there just a week before and walked barefoot into the rainfall.
He heard the
crack of thunder and watched the ripple of lightning pierce the sky. He looked at the alarm clock and saw that it
was flashing 12:00. “Hmmmm…power
must’ve gone out,” he said to himself, before noticing the empty space to his
left. He wondered where she was and
called out, “Jamie?” He got out of bed
and checked the bathroom--nope, not there.
He called her name again as he walked down the hallway, stubbing his toe
on the railing of the dark staircase he winced and exclaimed, “Shit!” A flash
of lightning followed by crash of thunder that rumbled the night sky. “Ooops.
Sorry God,” he said looking up at the ceiling, “I meant to say
Shoot!” He looked around their living
room and started calling her name again gradually getting louder, “Jamie? JAMI…” he stopped short when he saw her
through the sliding glass doors.
She was
standing in the middle of their yard with her arms wide open and her face
raised to the sky. Her nightgown--the
matching shirt to his pajama pants--was plastered to her body and her hair was
dripping down her back. He went to the
hall closet and grabbed an umbrella before going outside. He walked over the mushy ground--wet grass
squishing between his toes--and called out to her, “Jamie? What’re you doing? Why on earth…” he quickly covered her with the umbrella.
Her arms
dropped to her sides, as she felt him wiping away the droplets of rain from her
face.
“You’re going
to catch a cold standing out here like this.
What the heck were you thinking?”
She slowly
opened her eyes and looked at his furrowed brow, “Oh Landon, can’t you feel
it?”
“Feel
what?” He was confused by her actions;
maybe the doctor shouldn’t have increased her medication so much yesterday.
“The
splendor…the beauty…” she tilted her head to the side giving him a beguiling
look and said, “…the rain. It feels so warm…so…”
“Wet?”
She giggled,
“Yes. Wet. But there’s something so wonderful about it. So…”
He watched
the different emotions transform her face as she described the heavy rain shower
and was amazed that she could find magic in the most basic things that life had
to offer. Her eyes glowed as she
described the feeling she got when she woke up and saw that it was raining. He watched as rivulets of water dropped from
her hair, down her face. His eyes
followed a single droplet of rain as it rolled down her dainty nose, over her
full lips and dripped off of her jaw.
He couldn’t help himself when he leaned in and kissed her--interrupting
her mid-sentence.
“…mysterious,
it’s mystical…” he placed a kiss on her moist lips startling her. He had looked so angry, just a minute ago,
because she was standing out here in the middle of the rain and now he was
kissing her.
The umbrella
fell slowly to the ground as Landon grabbed her in a full-bodied embrace. Rain was pouring down on them--saturating
their hair, their clothes. He could
feel the water seeping through his pants from her skin. Taste it dripping between their lips; his
fingers got tangled in her wet locks as her hands clutched desperately at his
slippery back.
She shivered,
not from the coldness of the downpour, but from the wonderful things his mouth
was doing to her lips, her chin, her ear.
“Ohhhh,” she moaned as she felt him gather her up in his arms and carry
her back inside their kitchen and out of the rain.
He placed her
feet down on the cold kitchen floor and continued kissing her as puddles of
water formed at their feet. “We’re
soaked,” he said throatily, against her mouth.
“Mmmmm, I
know.”
He kissed her
again, “We’re getting water all over the place,” he said, not caring in the
least.
“Maybe we
should…” she kissed his neck, his jaw, “get out of these wet clothes?” She
reached down and pulled the drawstring on his pants to release them, but they
clung to his wet skin.
He smiled
against her forehead and said, “What’re ya doin’?”
“I’m just
trying to help you…I wouldn’t want you to catch a cold,” she said with feigned
innocence.
“Oh, really?”
“Uh, huh.”
“Jamie,” he looked
down at her with concern, and whispered, “We can’t.”
She looked at
him for a moment trying to decide whether or not she should push the issue, but
she knew he was right. There was no way
her body could handle making love to him again. But oh, how she wished she could.
“I know,” she
finally conceded. She tucked her head
beneath his chin and closed her eyes.
After a few
minutes he said, “But you can help me get out of these wet clothes…that is…if
you really want to.” He felt her smile
against his chest and closed his eyes as he felt her hands trail down his slick
back and settle on his hips.
She listened
to the beat of his heart steadily increasing as she moved her hands over his
body, and felt the shallowness of his breath in her hair. She slipped her fingers under the waistband
of his pajama bottoms and lifted her face to look at him as they fell to his
feet with a wet splash. She knew he
wore nothing underneath them--she watched him get ready for bed every night.
“My turn,” he
said tenderly as he stepped away from her and began unbuttoning her
nightshirt. “I love it when you wear my
clothes to bed.” He leaned down and
placed a soft kiss on her collarbone, his fingers undoing the last of the
buttons. Pulling back, he looked at her
face and pushed the shirt off of her shoulders. He listened to its resounding splat as it joined his pajama
bottoms at their feet.
They stood in
their kitchen with the moonlight scintillating off their bodies--highlighting
their features. They had seen each
other many times since they got married, but they had never actually taken the
liberty to really look at one another as most married couples have.
He looked
down at the smooth curvature of her legs; they seemed to go on for miles. He smiled at the pair of plain, white cotton
underwear she had on. His eyes slowly
traveled up her body--taking in her slender hips, the feminine dip of her
waist, the slopes of her breasts, her narrow shoulders. “My God!
You’re beautiful!!” He said huskily.
She couldn’t
get her fill of him--his sinewy arms and legs, his long torso, the sprinkle of
fine hair that gathered at the base of his navel and pointed downward. “So are you.”
He placed his
hand in her outstretched one, and let her lead him to their bedroom.
She stood
just inside the doorway of their bedroom and said, “I know that we can’t…but,”
she looked down as if she were embarrassed about something.
He lifted up
her chin with his finger and ducked his head down to look directly into her
eyes. “You don’t have to be afraid of
me, Jamie. I won’t bite,” he gave her a
lopsided grin and said, “unless you want me to.”
She smiled at
his offhanded joke and asked him, “Would you hold me, Landon? Like this?” She looked down at their naked
bodies and said, “I know that you might feel uncomfortable…”
“Shhhh,” he
silenced her. “Wait here,” he said
softly then walked to the bathroom for one of the candles that sat on the ledge
of the tub and a towel. He removed the
remainder of her wet clothes and dried her off, then sat her down at the
vanity. He picked up a brush and ran it
through her wet hair, gently pulling it through the snarls that he had caused
earlier. He caught her looking at the
reflection of his chest in the mirror and watched as a slight blush crept up
her chest and landed on her cheeks.
What did I ever do to deserve someone so beautiful, he thought.
When her hair
was free from tangles she stood up and repeated his words to him, “My
turn.” She was nervous. They had never done anything like this
before. Landon had given her sponge
baths in bed when she was sick. He had
helped to dry her off after her baths and it never bothered her before, but
this…this was different. She looked
down at her trembling hand and took hold of the brush.
“Are you sure
you want to do this, Jamie?” He asked so sweetly, compassionately.
The moment
she looked at him she forgot everything but the sweet yearning that filled her
heart. She nodded ‘yes.’
He straddled
the chair--facing her instead of the mirror--trailing his fingers up and down
the back of her bare legs as the bristles of the brush gently bit into his
scalp. Her skin was so soft,
smooth. It felt like silk beneath his
touch. He inhaled deeply--taking in her scent--she always smelt like fresh
flowers.
She knelt
down on the floor in front of him--the wrought iron back of the small stool
stood between them--and put her hands on his face. She placed a delicate kiss on his upturned lips and whispered,
“Take me to bed Landon.”
She explored every
inch of his body and he hers--never once having feelings of regret for what
they weren’t able to do, but reveling in what they could do. Appreciating the love that they could share
in every touch, every kiss. In the back
of their minds they both knew that things were changing--their lives would be
different soon. They wouldn’t be able
to simply love one another as husband and wife. Landon’s role was gradually shifting to that of a caregiver--a
father figure. He had to do more and
more for her each day--not that he minded--it was what he promised to do, to
cherish her, all the days of their lives.
But tonight…tonight they were simply two young people in love. Landon and Jamie, husband and wife. They slept late into the next day with
Landon spooned against Jamie’s back, his leg thrown over her hip, the candle
burnt down to nothing; leaving her medications untouched and the alarm clock
blinking 12:00.
He put the
finishing touches on the breakfast tray he had made up for Jamie, granted it
was well after lunchtime, but it was their first meal of the day so technically
that should be considered breakfast, he thought. They had missed a couple of doses of her medication last night
and this morning so Landon tried to hurry and make something quick so that she
could catch up on her dosages. Toast,
scrambled eggs, juice, hot tea and a daisy he picked from their back yard.
She heard the
pounding of his feet getting nearer, his whistling getting louder and
smiled. Thoughts of last night filled
her mind. Landon brushing her hair,
kissing her in the rain, whispering her name across her back as he trailed his
lips up and down her spine and as if by some miracle, he appeared before her.
Landon walked
into the room--hoping to wake her up--but was just as happy to see her lying
there with her eyes wide open gracing him with her bright smile. He got a visible chill down his spine as he
took in the sight of the afternoon sunlight beaming down upon her. Her long dark hair was spread across her
bare back, the sheets were entwined between her legs leaving her hip and
buttocks partially exposed, her breasts were flattened to the mattress and the
look on her face was wholesome…angelic…downright sexy.
“Good
morning,” he placed the tray on his nightstand and watched her as she sat
up. He had put on a fresh pair of
pajama’s when he got up and left the matching top strewn across a chair in
hopes that she would put it on in lieu of her robe. He wasn’t disappointed.
She grabbed
the shirt and gave him a quick peck on the cheek as she made her way into the
restroom to take care of morning necessities.
She had felt lightheaded when she stood up, but figured it was because
she hadn’t eaten anything in a while.
“What’s for breakfast? Smells
good.”
“Scrambled
eggs, toast, juice…” he heard the sink shut off and watched her as she came
back into the room giving her a mischievous grin and a wag of his eyebrows,
“…hot tea…me.”
Standing before
him today she had felt more like his wife than she did the day she said ‘I
do.’ They had been through so much
together already…good and bad. She
sashayed over to him and stood directly in front of him, his nightshirt barely
skimming the tops of her thighs.
Picking a piece of toast up off of the tray, she took a bite and held it
out for him to take one also. “I think
we need a little sustenance first, don’t you?”
He was lost
in her eyes. Oh, the things they did to
him. One glance from those chocolate
brown beauties and he melted. “Who needs sustenance?” He asked as his arm crept
slowly up her back.
She felt
herself losing control again; her head was getting foggy, her legs weakening,
then…nothing.
He watched as
her eyes rolled back in her head, her legs crumbled beneath her and she
collapsed in his arms. “JAMIE?? JAMIE??”
He cried, “Oh God…please…nooo...”
“It’s my
fault, Dad. I shouldn’t have let her
miss her medications. I should’ve known
better.” He was pacing back and forth
in the hallway of the hospital outside of Jamie’s room door. Her father was in the room with her now--he
wanted a few minutes alone with her.
“Landon. You’re not perfect son. People make mistakes.”
“Yeah,” he
looked up at his father berating himself the whole time and said, “but I
could’ve cost her, her life.”
“No,” he put
his hand on his son’s arm trying to console him, but Landon just pulled away.
“It’s not your fault.”
“Yeah. Right,” he said under his breath.
“Landon, what
happened this morning would’ve happened whether or not you gave her, her
medications. It had nothing to do with
pain or her anemia. It’s the leukemia
now. It’s getting worse.”
“But she’s
taking something for…”
He shook his
head ‘no’ and told him, “There’s nothing she’s on that can stop the progression
of this, Landon. The only thing that
could help is Chemotherapy and Radiation treatments, but those things are no
longer working for her. Her body is well
passed that stage of the disease.”
“What about
bone marrow? Can’t she get a transplant?”
“I’m sorry
Landon,” he continued shaking his head, “That’s not an option either.”
Landon turned
and walked toward the waiting room windows, looking out he watched as people
passed by bringing flowers, balloons.
Grandparents coming to celebrate the birth of their new grandchild,
people in crutches walking out to their waiting vehicles, nurses coming to work
with a healing grin ready for their patients needs. He just wanted to scream; don’t any of you know what’s going
on in here? Don’t any of you realize
that my life is coming to an end? He put his hands on the window, laying his forehead against the
cool pane of glass and began to cry.
His father stood behind him not knowing how to console him, not knowing
what to do. His mother walked up to him
and put her hands on his back but he just shrugged them off. He just wanted to be left alone. Just leave me alone, he thought. Go away.
Reverend
Sullivan walked into the waiting room and took a quick assessment of the scene
before him. Landon’s father was
standing to the side with his head down, his mother was choking down some tears
and Landon himself was hunched over with his hands slowly sliding down the
glass window, his face covered in tears.
He walked over to this boy and gathered him up in his arms. He fought Landon’s resistance and just held
him, “It’ll be all right, Landon. It’ll
be all right.” When he felt the tears
and shaking subside he began talking to him in a lecturing tone, “It’s fine if
you get this out of your system, but don’t bring it in that room, Landon. My daughter needs you to be strong for her
right now.” He held onto the sides of
Landon’s face and lifted it, looking him directly in the eyes, “I need
you to be strong. Can you do that,
Son?”
Landon gulped
down his remaining tears and pushed his regret to the back of his mind, “Yes
sir,” he swallowed. “Yes sir.”
“All
right. Now you go get cleaned up and go
see her. She’s waiting for you.”
“Hey.”
“Hey,” she
looked at him with such sorrow. She
knew he felt guilty about her missing her meds, but it wasn’t his fault. She felt this coming before she went to bed
last night. She’s been feeling it come
ever since her body stopped responding to treatments 2 years ago.
He sat down
on the chair beside her bed and asked, “How’re you feeling?”
“I’ve been
better.”
He lifted his
lips in a halfhearted smile.
“How’re you?”
She asked.
“I’m
okay.”
They were
both quiet for some time then both of them spoke at once.
“Look, Jamie
I’m sorry. I should’ve never forgotten…”
“Landon, I’m
sorry. I should’ve told before I went to bed…”
They both
laughed a little at their similar reactions to the situation. Both of them wanting to apologize to the other,
for causing something, that neither one of them could control.
“You first,”
he said.
“Okay,” she
took a deep breath and said, “I didn’t feel well last night before I went to
sleep. I thought it was from the
medicines that my doctor increased, but…I think that somewhere in the back of
my mind…I knew that something like this was going to happen. I should’ve warned you. I’m sorry.”
“No,” he
shook his head in disbelief. He
couldn’t believe she was trying to take the blame for this herself. “It was my fault. I should’ve made sure you had your pills before we…I just…” he
began to choke. “I’m sorry,” he cried,
“So sorry. Why didn’t I set that damn
alarm? I could just…”
“Shhhh. Don’t do this Landon. Please.
It just happened. It had nothing
to do with my missed pills. It has
everything to do with my leukemia.”
His back was
hunched over, his head leaning on the bed, his hands grasping at hers. “I’m not ready for this yet. I’m not ready to say good-bye to you.”
“Neither am
I. Shhhh,” she ran her hand through his
hair and tried to console him. “I just
need a day or two in here to build up some strength again, then I’ll be
home. Everything’ll be fine. You’ll see.”
He lifted up
his tear-streaked face and looked at her soft features, “You never lose faith,
do you?”
“I try not
to, but sometimes…”
“You
don’t. You never have. You always believe don’t you?”
“I guess,”
she looked down at their joined hands then back up to his face and said, “Don’t
you?”
“I’m trying,
Jamie. I thought I did, but then
something like this happens and I’m just not sure anymore,” he admitted.
“Excuse me,”
her nurse came in with a needle and said, “Your doctor ordered this for your
pain.” She injected a clear fluid into
Jamie’s IV tube and said, “That should help to relax you.” She laid a compassionate hand on Jamie's leg
and left, holding the door open on her way out for Landon’s parents and Jamie’s
father.
“Hi
sweetheart,” Landon’s mom said as she placed a soft kiss on Jamie’s
forehead. “How’re you feeling?”
“I’m fine.”
“Jamie,” his
father said, “I just talked to your doctor and it looks like you’ll only have
to be in here a day or two. They just
need to adjust your oral medication and you should be able to go home either
tomorrow or the day after. I’ve also
called an old friend of mine--she used to be a nurse here--and asked her to
give you a hand with Jamie when she goes home Landon. I know that you’d like to take care of her on your own, but
sometimes even we men need a helping hand.”
“Tell me about
it,” Landon’s mom interjected. “Did I
ever tell you about the day you were born?
Your father--Dr. Useless--passed out in the delivery room when your head
came out...”
Jamie laughed
at the thought of this fearless doctor fainting from the sight of his newborn
son’s head. Leave it to Landon’s mom to
ease the tension in a room. She was
such a wonderful woman. Now she knew
where Landon got that take-your-mind-off-of-your-troubles-quality from. She heard his father trying to make up a
lame excuse for his actions that day, and listened to Landon chuckle at the
spontaneous repartee they were sharing.
She was floating in and out of sleep.
“Landon…where are you?”
“I’m here
Jamie,” he took her hand and kissed it.
“I’m right here.”
Her eyes were
closed when she said, “Lie with me.”
He climbed
into the hospital bed with her, their parents looking on--and laid his head
upon her chest.
“Tell me
about them.”
“Who?”
“Tommy and
Alicia,” she spoke so softly now he could barely make out what she was saying. “Please.
Tell me about the day they were born.”
He swallowed
the lump that was forming in his throat and started, “It was a Sunday and we
were having a barbeque after church. I
was standing at the grill when your water broke. I was so nervous…”
“So was I,”
she whispered.
“You didn’t
look it though, you looked so strong, so sure.
We knew we were having twins we just didn’t know what sex they were…” he
continued telling her a make believe tale about their life--filing away every
word, every memory as if it were true--until she fell into a peaceful
slumber.
The last
thing she remembered hearing was Landon’s strangled whisper, “I believe
Jamie. I believe.”
“Good morning
Mrs. Carter. And how are you feeling today?”
Asked Jamie’s new homecare nurse, only it came out sounding, “Gooood mohrnun
Missus Cahtuh. An’ how are yew feelun
taday?”
Jamie smiled
at the nurse and replied in her sweet voice, “Fine, thank you. And yourself?”
“Oh, Ahm juss
fine Missus. Juss fine. We got some tests we’ll need to be runnin’
taday so lets get this unduhway. Mistuh
Cahtuh, do ya think ya’ll be willin’ to give me a han’? Yohr daddy tells me that yohr wantin’ to be
a doctuh…”
Jamie and
Landon fell in love with the wonderfully rotund woman the instant she walked in
the room. Her name was LuAnn--after her
“mama’s mama”--she had been nursing for almost 20 years and gave it up three
months earlier to watch her grandkids grow.
She had worked with Landon’s father at the hospital for sometime when he
was still living in Beaufort and when he called her and asked her to do him a
favor; she dropped everything and pulled her stethoscope out of
retirement. She had a vibrant demeanor
and a contagious laugh; all of this combined with her slow southern drawl
endeared her instantly to Landon and Jamie’s hearts. She spent her days showing Landon how to care for Jamie: dispense
her new medications, which meds are taken with meals and which meds needed to
be taken on an empty stomach, how to take her vital signs – blood pressure,
temperature, oxygen saturation etc… And unfortunately, one day he learned how
to administer a shot of morphine for pain.
“Now we only use this in case of a ‘mergency.”
He had
learned more in that one week than he had the entire four years he went to high
school. LuAnn stayed with them night
and day, disappearing whenever she felt they needed time alone. She helped Landon with the upkeep of their
house, controlled visits. People seemed
to be coming out of the woodworks to see Jamie. And she gave Jamie a gift that Landon had never thought of. A wheelchair.
Jamie was
still able to walk, but she got tired so easily now that they brought it
wherever they went…just in case. They
didn’t go to very many places--church on Sundays (LuAnn’s day off), drives
along the waterfront, occasionally they went to his mother’s or her father’s
house and one Saturday night they ventured into town to meet the gang. Jamie didn’t want her wheelchair to get in
the way so she decided to walk into the somewhat smoky club.
Landon hadn’t
been near this place since the night that they saw Belinda and Tracy outside of
it. The night that Jamie told him about
her cancer. He pushed all thoughts of
her sickness to the back of his mind--Jamie was determined to have a normal
night hanging out with friends. The
minute they walked in everyone swarmed around them. Dean pulled up a stool for Jamie and Landon helped her get into
it. She had looked pale and drawn from
the short walk from his car to the club.
“You okay?”
“Fine,” she
gave him a reassuring smile. “A little
thirsty though.”
They sat
together enjoying the music and the company even more. Eric--being the guy that he was--got several
stern looks from Landon when he got carried away with his language. “Sorry man.
I just forget sometimes, ya know?”
The music
slowed down and they watched as people paired off and took to the dance
floor. Landon heard Jamie humming along
with the song and leaned over to whisper in her ear, “Do you feel up to
dancing?”
She shook her
head and gave him a breathy, “No. I’m
sorry.”
“Don’t
be. It’s okay... We’ll just sit here and enjoy the song. Ever heard it before?” He took a sip of his
soda and looked at her.
“Mmmmm
hmmmm,” she gave him a sideways glance.
“It’s called ‘Remember Me This Way’.”
The song
ended and the group started forming around the table again. They had only been there a little over two
hours but Landon could tell that Jamie was getting tired and decided it was
time to go. “Where’s Dean? We gotta get outta here.”
“I don’t know
man,” Eric said while craning his neck trying to locate their missing friend.
“Well, let
him know we had to go.” Landon stood up and grabbed Jamie around the
waist. He felt her using him for support
a little more than usual and gave her a concerned look.
Her eyes
silently comforted him as if saying, ‘don’t worry. I can make it.’
He felt her
legs wobble a little then bent down to scoop her up, carrying her the rest of
the way, out to the car. Her arms went
around his neck and her head rested on his shoulder. “I’m sorry. I guess I
didn’t realize how tired I was.”
“Don’t be
sorry, baby. I’m tired too. I wanted to leave.” He strapped her into her
seatbelt and said, “I guess that just isn’t my scene anymore.”
“Hey
man!” Dean shouted across the sidewalk,
“Hold up.” He leaned into the car and
said good night to Jamie then slapped something into the palm of Landon’s hand.
“What’s
this?” He looked down at the cassette tape Dean had given him.
“It’s that
song she was hummin’ in there. I just
thought…I was dancing with Tracy and kind of listening to the words and…”
Landon knew
what he was getting at and thought he’d give his friend a break. “Thanks man. Appreciate it.” He got
into the car and looked over at Jamie’s tired form. “Do you remember Tommy and Alicia’s first day of kindergarten?”
She turned
her head to face him and said, “Tell me.”
She’d been
home from the hospital for two weeks now and he found himself spending more and
more time watching her sleep and telling her tales about their make believe
future than anything else. They had
checked off many things from her “To Do” list, but there was still so much left
to do and not enough time to do it in.
He ran down the list, “Marry in the church my parents married in,” he
smiled. “Check. Get a tattoo.
Check. Be in two places at once.
Check. Befriend someone I don’t like,”
his whole face lit up. “Check. Own my own home. Check. Peace Core…medical discovery…graduate high
school… comet Hiakutaki …Rothman’s list of American authors…get kissed in the
rain…never lose my faith…watch the sunset over the water…” Wait a minute, he
thought, I don’t know if we’ve done this one yet.
The warmth of
the sun felt good on her face. Landon
had surprised her tonight by taking her to the spot where he first kissed her
for a picnic. He had his radio set up
on the blanket and soft music was playing quietly in the background. Dinner was good but she hadn’t had much of
an appetite lately and she couldn’t finish it.
He had just finished telling her about their 15th wedding
anniversary in which the kids thought they could make a cake for them, but
forgot to crack the eggs first. She
laughed and silently wished he could find that kind of happiness with someone
after she was gone, but knew deep in her heart that he would never betray the
vow he made to her. She watched him as
he stood up from the blanket and reached into his pocket for something--the
setting sun causing a nimbus around his face.
He leaned
over the radio and turned up the volume.
He held out his hands to her as music filtered through the air, “Would
you dance with me?”
She knew the
song; it was the one they heard in the club just over a week ago. “I don’t think I can.” It hurt her to turn him down, but she just
didn’t have the energy.
Every
now and then we find a special friend
Who never lets us down
Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that I've found
I know you can't stay
But part of you will never ever go away
Your heart will stay
I'll
make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life will just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you're losing your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way
He turned her
wheelchair away from their blanket and scooped her up into his arms sitting in
it himself. With her settled on his lap
and her arms around his neck he said, “Hang on.” He twirled her around the dock to the easy sound of the music, turning
the wheels back and forth. Their last
dance, he thought, would be one he’ll always remember.
I
don't need eyes to see
The love you bring to me
No matter where I go
And I know that you'll be there
For ever more a part of me you're everywhere
I'll always care
I'll
make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life will just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you're losing your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way
And
I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you
I'll be standing by your side in all you do
And I won't never leave as long as you believe
You just believe
He
stopped the movements of the chair and looked at the tears that filled her
eyes. She was whispering the words to
him…
I'll
make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life will just be kind
To such a gentle mind
And if you're losing your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way
“You know how
I’ll remember you, Jamie?”
She shook her
head ‘no.’
“I’ll
remember you singing in the school play.
Playing jacks on your porch as a little girl. Rolling around in the grass with Eric’s dog, but you know what I
remember the most?” He looked intensely into her eyes, “The way you looked when
you walked down the aisle to me. I’ll
never forget that. Never.”
She laid her
head on his shoulder and felt his arms encircle her waist. They watched the sunset over the water and
she whispered, “twenty two.”
“You sure this is cool?” Landon looked over at Eric’s big, fluffy dog
Sam, as he walked right over to where Jamie was sleeping and laid his head on
her lap--waiting patiently for her to stir.
“Yeah, man.
Don’t worry ‘bout it. Besides,
I’m leaving soon anyway.”
“That’s right. When do you go?”
“Wednesday.”
“Wow.
Kinda hard to believe, huh?”
“Yeah….college.” Eric looked over at Jamie and
asked, “So, how’s she doing?”
“All right,” he shrugged. “She’s got good days and bad days. The doctor increased her medication about a
week ago and ever since she’s pretty much slept the whole time.”
“That must be hard, man.”
“What?”
“Just watching her like that…”
“Sleep?
Nah…” Landon shook his head.
“No…I mean…” Eric looked down at his feet and
then back up at his best friend, “…watching her…just watching her die. I don’t think I could do it.” His voice was thick with emotion as he
looked towards Jamie once more.
“Yeah…well…” he cleared his throat, “…I
guess…” Landon looked at his wife roll her head towards them and saw her
eyelids flutter, then close again. “You
know what?” He looked at Eric and gave him a peaceful smile. “I’d rather spend a hundred years watching
her sleep, just knowing she’s here, then live one minute without her.”
Eric stood there, uncertain of what to
say…what to do. He heard the doorbell
ring.
Landon knew it was hard for some people,
especially his young friends to accept Jamie’s fate the way that he did. It took a long time for Landon to accept it
himself, but now that he had, he was determined to make these last few weeks of
Jamie’s life as normal as he possibly could.
“ ‘scuse me Mistuh Cahtuh, but Missus Cahtuh’s
doctuh is here,” LuAnn poked her head out of the sliding doors and spoke to the
two young men.
“Oh, sure.”
Landon looked at Eric and said, “Sorry man, but…”
“Oh, yeah…I gotta go anyway. Got a lot of packing to do.”
She could hear voices, but she wasn’t sure who
they were. One was Landon--she smiled.
The other though… She tried to
open her eyes, but they were so heavy.
She felt the dog’s head on her lap and knew instinctively who the other
person was.
She could make out a few things that they were
saying, ‘college…leaving Wednesday…sleeping…watching her…just watching her
die…then live one day without her.’
They both turned their heads when they heard a
soft exclamation, “Sam. What’re you
doing here?”
“I brought him by,” Eric said as he walked
over towards her. “Landon said you two
would keep an eye on him for me since I’ll be leaving soon.”
“Mmmmm,” she ran her hand across the dog’s
matted fur and smiled, “We’d love to.
Thank you for thinking of us.”
“Good morning Jamie. Landon.” Jamie’s doctor
walked out onto the patio with LuAnn behind him carrying a tray with Jamie’s
medication on it.
“Well,” Eric said, “I should be going.” He leaned down and pecked Jamie on the
cheek, “I’ll stop by before I leave, ‘kay?”
She smiled up at him and said softly, “That
would be nice.”
“Landon slapped his hand on Eric’s back and
said, “Come on man. I’ll walk you out
to your car.”
As she watched Eric leave his words kept
echoing through her mind, ‘sleep…watching her die’ and she knew what she had to
do. Her doctor began taking out the
blood pressure cuff from his bag, LuAnn was preparing several small plastic cups--filling
them with a variety of pills--chatting away to the doctor about Jamie’s
progression as though she wasn’t there.
Jamie laid a hand upon each one’s arm and gave them a knowing look.
Landon walked Eric to his car and they made
plans for Eric to stop by on his way out of town Wednesday. He was waving him off and turned to walk
back inside when he noticed Jamie’s doctor leaving. “Hey? What’s up?” He knew that there wasn’t much they could do
for her now, but he usually spent more time than this with her.
“Mr. Carter…I think you need to talk with your
wife.”
Landon looked down at the ground and said
dejectedly, “How long?”
“I don’t know. A day…maybe two. Landon, I
never expected her to last this long, but…” He gave Landon a nod and laid a
passing hand on his shoulder as he headed for his waiting car. Turning around with one last thought he
said, “Landon. Your wife’s a very lucky
woman. God bless.”
He walked in his house and saw LuAnn heading
for the closet, removing her suitcase.
“Leavin’ huh?”
She smiled at him and said, “Jamie’s ready
Lahndun. This time here’s for family,
not for doctuhs and nuhrsus.”
He swallowed the lump in his throat and looked
through the sliding glass doors at his wife.
“Thank you, LuAnn. For
everything.”
“Hey.”
“Hey,” she turned her head to look at him.
“So…”
“So…” she said absently stroking Sam behind
the ear, “…I’m sorry Landon. I just
don’t want to take them anymore.” She was referring to her medications. “I don’t want to spend my last days with
you…” she looked down at her wedding ring.
It was too big now and slipped down her finger. “…I don’t want you to just sit back
and…watch me die.”
He knew she must’ve heard Eric’s and his
conversation, “Jamie…”
“No Landon, don’t say anything. Just listen, okay?”
“Okay.”
“When I take these pills,” she gestured
towards the bottles that were left on the small table, “I do nothing but
sleep. They make me dizzy…nauseous and
when I do finally wake up, I don’t know where I am half the time or who’s
around me.” She laid her hand on his
leg and said, “I don’t want you to sit back and watch me die, Landon,” she
smiled into his eyes and said, “I want to live the rest of my life--with you--not sleep it away.”
“Jamie,” he said gruffly, “you’re going to be
in so much pain.”
“Pain can be controlled. You’ll just have to help me keep my mind off
of it.” She squeezed his leg and said,
“So…what’d ya wanna do today?”
He let out a slight laugh, and said, “I
would’ve been happy just watching you sleep.”
“Mmmmm, but I’m awake now Landon.”
He looked down at her hand that was resting on
his thigh and pushed her wedding ring back on, “How about we finish reading one
of Rothman’s books?”
Jamie’s eyes flew open as she felt the searing
pain go through her body. She reached
out for Landon and shook him.
“Landon. Landon.”
He jumped up in bed, heart racing--something’s
wrong with Jamie. “What is it? Jamie?”
“It hurrrrrts.” She was slowly curling into a fetal position.
“Shhhhh.” His arms came around her, his lips
pressed up against her ear. He
whispered through her hair, “Shhhh…it’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.” His mind
raced, what do I do. She doesn’t want
any painkillers then her words came back to him. ‘Pain can be controlled.
You’ll just have to help me keep my mind off of it.’
“Jamie, do you remember our trip to
Hawaii? It was right after the kids
left for college, we thought we deserved a second honeymoon.” He took in a deep breath when he heard her
wince in pain. He continued stroking
her arms and whispering his tale in her ear, “We had rented one of those
bungalows with a private beach. The
sand was white and the water was so blue you could see straight down to the
bottom of the ocean’s floor. Our days
were always filled with excitement. We
would go swimming, snorkeling…” he could feel the tension slowly leaving her
body, “then there was that really bad foray into parasailing. Remind me never to do that again. But at
night…oh, it was so peaceful at night.
We would take walks along the beach letting the water flow over our
feet, our toes would squish in the sand.”
He looked down at her closed eyes and asked, “Do you remember?”
“Yes,” she whispered.
“We sat against a rock and let the water
splash all around us and we watched the sunrise from the balcony of our
room. I kissed you…”
“Mmmmm.
Do you remember that cave we found that day? I seduced you in that cave,” she said with a flirtatious grin.
“My how times have changed over the years,” he
laughed softly in her ear. “Feel
better?”
“Mmmmm hmmmm.” She took a deep breath and noticed the sky beginning to get
lighter, “Landon? I know it’s not Hawaii,
but,” she turned her head to look up at him, “would you like to watch the
sunrise from our balcony?”
“I’d love to.” He stood up and went to pick her up, but she stopped him.
“I think I can walk.”
“You sure?”
She hadn’t been able to take more than one or two steps without losing
her balance for weeks now.
“Yeah…I’m feeling surprisingly good right
now.”
They walked out onto the balcony and watched
as the sun slowly rose over the trees, Jamie’s back leaning up against Landon’s
front. Their arms entwined around her
waist.
She watched the sun and said, “Just think,
somewhere out there a rooster is crowing, children are getting out of bed,” she
looked at him over her shoulder, “families are getting ready for church…” She
turned slowly in his arms. He was so
beautiful. His eyes were always so full
of love. She raised her hand and
cradled his cheek in her palm, “I might kiss you.”
Their lips smiled against each other as they
welcomed in the new day.
Landon and Jamie were surprised to see Landon’s
father and his wife at their church this morning and decided since Jamie was
feeling so well, they would invite everyone over to spend the day with
them. Landon’s mom suggested they all
go out for a quiet lunch then to Landon and Jamie’s afterwards. They had spent the day together, eating,
laughing and playing pictionary.
“Daddy!
That’s cheating!” Jamie had said
of the symbol he had drawn on his piece of paper.
“I prefer to call it, playing
creatively.” They all laughed.
“I think she’s right Sir. No symbols allowed.”
She smiled a sweet smile and said, “Thank you
Landon.”
Reverend Sullivan looked over his shoulder at
his “teammate” and said, “Landon?
Sometimes I miss that rebellious young man.” The laughter got louder then came to an abrupt halt. “Jamie!”
She gasped and held her hand out for Landon to
grab.
He raced over to her side and sat behind her,
rubbing her arms and speaking softly in her ear.
His father had run into the living room and grabbed
his medical bag, immediately going for a syringe full of morphine to ease her
pain.
Landon held out his hand to stop his father
from giving her the shot and continued whispering, “...she looked so beautiful
Jamie. She was wearing your wedding gown. Tommy sang as she walked down the
aisle. The flowers were in bloom and
the sun was shining…”
The incident passed and Jamie apologized to
everyone, “I’m sorry for ruining the fun.”
“You didn’t ruin anything baby.” Landon said
putting her mind at ease, but the laughter was scarce during the remainder of
their game.
It was getting late. Dinner was eaten, coffee drunk, dishes cleaned and put away and
now it was time for goodbyes.
“I still can’t get over how good you look
today,” Landon’s mom said. “I’ll call
you tomorrow, maybe we can plan a barbeque for later in the week?” She kissed Jamie’s cheek and gave Landon a
squeeze. “Good night.”
“You take it easy young lady,” came Landon’s
father’s warning. They looked at each
other like they had shared some sort of secret. Something the others didn’t know, or didn’t want to know. “Don’t
overdo it.”
“I won’t.
I promise.” She placed her arms
around his neck and hugged him, whispering in his ear. “Take care of him for me.”
He pulled back and nodded. “Landon, why don’t you walk me out,
son?” They walked into the living room
where his father’s medical bag lied open.
Taking the unused syringe of morphine out Landon’s father said, “I’m
assuming you know how to administer this for her pain.”
“Yeah, but dad she won’t use anything for the
pain.”
“She may tonight.” He placed it in Landon’s palm along with some alcohol swabs and
said, “Just in case she changes her mind.”
Landon looked at the needle and nodded, “Yes
sir.” He took a deep breath and hugged
his father tightly. “Thank you for
everything, dad.”
Jamie had been tired, but she wanted to walk
her father to the door, “Are you sure you want to go, daddy? You don’t have to, you know. You could stay here. We have plenty of room.”
“No, sweetheart. You two don’t want an old man like me hanging around.” He smiled at her, his heart full of hope and
said, “I’ll see you in the morning.
Breakfast, right?”
“Right.”
She hugged him tighter than she normally did and kissed his cheek just a
little longer. “I love you, daddy.”
“I love you too.”
She watched him walk away and said quietly to
his back, “I’ll miss you daddy. Good
bye.”
Landon watched her as she said her farewells
and asked, “You ready for bed?”
“Not really.
I was wondering. Would it be
okay if we laid on the hammock for a while?”
“Sure.” He put his arm around her waist to
help her back outside.
She looked down at his other hand and asked
with her eyes, ‘what’s that?’
“My father thought you might want to use
something for the pain tonight.”
The corners of her lips lifted and she said,
“Maybe later.”
They lied on the hammock---Sam beneath
it--looking at the night sky. They
talked about their past and the path that led them to each other.
“You looked so cute in your costume.”
“I don’t even remember what I was that year.”
“I do.
You were a vampire. You had
blood covered fangs,” she said with a crinkle of her nose.
“Oh, yeah,” he smiled at the memory of that fateful
Halloween and remembered her saying, ‘when I grow up I’m gonna let my kids go
treat or tricking whenever they want…just don’t tell my father.’ And his response to her, ‘It’s trick or
treating not treat or tricking.’
“The day you came up to me and asked me for
help with your lines,” they both chuckled at the memory. “You looked like you’d rather go through a
root canal then be seen with me,” she laughed.
“Hey,” he said, “I had a reputation to
uphold.”
“Oh, yeah,” she laughed at the memory. ‘I need help with my lines…hey Eddie
Zimmerhoff deserves the best…please, Jamie.’
“Granted it was a really stupid reputation,
but…” he shook his head back and forth remembering her response to his plight,
‘I’ll pray for you…you’ve never asked for help before…you’ve got to promise not
to fall in love with me.’ If only he’d
known then what he knew now, he thought, I wouldn’t change a thing.
“So when you said that my dad was ‘cool’ with
you asking me out…what really happened that day?” She smiled as she listened to the uncut version of what really
happened between Landon and her father.
“…I pretty much threw myself at the mercy of
the church with that one and since he is the Reverend and all…” he shrugged, “He really didn’t have much of a choice
but to give in.” He laughed and thought
back to their first date. ‘I can’t
believe you asked my father’s permission,’ and thought, you were worth it,
Jamie. You were worth it.
“He was so angry that night he caught me
kissing you in front of your house.”
“Well, he was afraid you were trying to take
advantage of me.”
“ME?” he said with feigned innocence. “I would never…”
“Oh yeah, right!” She laughed. “So tell me…that night in the cemetery, the
night you gave me my star, were you really trying to seduce me?”
“What’d you think?” He asked looking at her with a flirtatious light in his eyes.
“I think it’s a good thing we got married when
we did,” she giggled and laid her head back down on his chest. “I don’t know how long I would’ve stayed unseducible.”
“You wouldn’t have given in to me?” He looked
down at her and said with raised eyebrows, “Would you???”
She replied with a teasing grin and a lilt in
her voice, “Guess we’ll never know.”
He shook his head in astonishment. This woman--his wife--never ceased to amaze
him. He remembered the feeling that
came over him when he gave her, her star.
‘This is wonderful…I love you.’ The same feeling that still comes over
him whenever she says those words.
“You told me you loved me for the first time
that night. I didn’t know what to
do. I still don’t know what to do,” he
chuckled. “Do you know what happens to me every time you tell me you love me? I get this feeling…this…it humbles me,
Jamie.”
“I know.”
“And when you told me your number one, I
thought, I’m gonna make that one come true too.”
“I know.”
“You did?”
“Mmmmm hmmmm.”
“How could you know I wanted to marry you,
even back then?”
She shrugged her shoulders in reply.
“So is that why you said yes to me when I proposed?”
“Nope.”
“Then why’d you say yes?” He quietly asked.
“Because,” she lifted her head off of his
chest and bestowed upon him a smile that made all the troubles in their world
disappear. “We really had no
choice. It was in the Lord’s plan.”
They were holding onto one another and
watching the stars shine when the wave of pain hit her. It was devastating--the shock of it stealing
the very breath from her lungs. “Lahhhhnnnnnn.”
“Shhhh, baby,” his arms tightened around her,
“Shhhh.” His mind raced trying to come
up with something to occupy her thoughts but he knew nothing he said would be
able to ease this torture.
“Jamie?” His voice was so calm. “Would you like me to give you something for
the pain?”
“Yehhhhhsss.”
He got up and grabbed the syringe full of pain
reliever, he wiped the area where he was going to place the needle with an
alcohol swab, then gave her the injection--his hands never faltered. “Just give it a few minutes, it should work
pretty quickly.”
“Lahhhhndon. Lie with me,” she reached a
tremulous arm out to him and clenched her teeth.
He climbed in the hammock and cradled her
against his chest. He said softly
against her hair, “It’s our 65th wedding anniversary. We’re at the restaurant were we had our
wedding reception watching our grandkids dance and our great grandkids run
around the dance floor driving their parents nuts. The band is playing your song…our song. We look around at all our friends and family and we know…we’ve lived a long and happy life together.” He could feel her breathing ease, her body was starting to
relax--the medication was working. “I
was looking at you and I just kept thinking how you looked just as beautiful to
me as you did the day I first kissed you.
So beautiful. Jamie…my Jamie.”
He placed a kiss against her forehead.
What will I do without you here by my side, he thought to himself.
Jamie took a deep breath and released all the
tension, letting go of the pain. As if
reading his mind she answered his silent plea, “I’ll always be with you
Landon. All you have to do is look
around and I’ll be there.” Her head was
getting light, her pain melting away with every breath. “Do you know what the best thing I ever did
in my life was?” It took so much energy
to lift her head to look at him.
“What?” He said, cradling her face in the palm
of his hand.
“Number forty-two.”
He drowned in her eyes, letting her love wash
over him. Humbling him.
“I love you, Landon.”
“I love you, Jamie.” Their tremulous lips touched, their eyes remained open. He tucked her head under his chin and
wrapped his arms around her in a tight embrace. “I’ll always love you,” and they slept under the stars, with the
moon shining down upon them and Sam curled below their hammock.
There is coming a day
When no heartache shall come
No more clouds in the sky
No more tears to dim the eye
All is peace forever more
What a day
Glorious day that will be.
There’ll be no sorrow there
No more burdens to bear
No more sickness
No more pain
No more crying over there
And forever I will be
With the One who died for me
What a day
Glorious day that will be.
What a day that will be
When my Jesus I shall see
When I look upon His face
The One who saved me by His grace
When He takes me by the hand
And leads me through the promise land
What a day
Glorious day that will be.
What a day
Glorious day that will be.
The church was packed. People were crowded in the pews, squashed
together standing against the walls.
Landon looked around the room as he made his way to the pulpit. He opened the book before him and said,
“This is from Romans 5:1-11
Peace and Joy,” he cleared his throat and
began. “1Therefore,
since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our
Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into
this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of
God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we
know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character;
and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God
has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given
us.”
He closed Jamie’s bible and looked once again at the room full
of people. “Some of you may not know
this, but when Jamie found out about her cancer she made up a ‘To Do List’ for
her life,” he chuckled and looked down before addressing everyone, “I was
number forty-two. Now, it’s not what
you think,” he laughed again, “She didn’t have written down, marry Landon
Carter. Number forty-two was befriend
someone you don’t like.” He swallowed
the lump that was forming in his throat.
He looked to the side then focused his eyes on Jamie’s
father. He was staring at the picture
that was placed on her casket. He
looked around the room again and noticed many people staring at it as though
she were in there. “She’s not in there
you know? She’s not in that
casket.” People began to focus their
attention on him as he let them in on his secret. “The only thing in there is the empty body that once carried the
soul of an angel.” He looked at her
father’s wavering eyes and said, “She’s here,” he pointed to his heart. “She’s in you,” he turned and looked out at
the crowd again, “She’s in all of you. She’s…” he smiled as the tears slowly ran down his cheeks, “…she’s
everywhere. All you have to do is
look.”
His eyes closed as he inhaled deeply. “She’s the smell of fresh flowers in the air. She’s the sound of children’s laughter. She’s the wag of a dog’s tail. The beam of sunlight that wakes you every
morning. A glass of sweet tea on a hot
summer’s day…a dance in the moonlight…the star that shines brighter than all the
others…the rain that falls from the sky…the whisper in the wind. She’s
hope. She’s faith,” he paused. “She’s life,” he said thickly. “Don’t morn her death, because she’ll
live. As long as we remember to
celebrate her life, she will live.” He
looked once again towards the picture on the casket then lifted his head and
said softly to the heavens, “Thank you Jamie.
My life began with forty-two.”
Epilogue:
“I’ll never
forget that last night we spent together.
We lied there in that hammock just talking and laughing. It really felt like we had spent a lifetime
together.” He paused, “She died that Sunday night right where she wanted to…in
my arms. We buried her Tuesday and …”
Landon ran his hand through what was left of his hair, and looked to the sky.
“I went to
sleep that first night, waking up every hour.
I would reach out and touch her side of the bed, but I knew…she wasn’t
there.” He gulped, “I had to get
out. I couldn’t stay in our house one
more night.” He shuffled his feet and said, “I left with Eric the next morning
for college. I packed a suitcase and,”
he smiled to himself, “I put the bottom of my pajamas in a Tupperware
container. Then stuck it on the shelf.”
Explaining
his actions he said, “After Jamie’s viewing that Tuesday morning--she looked so
beautiful--she was wearing that blue dress she wore on our first date and the
pink sweater I gave her. Her hair was
pulled back in a clip and she had on the shoes that Sam slobbered all
over. I thought she would like that,” he
said as an afterthought. “Brigid the
funeral director came up to me and said, ‘Mr. Carter. We’ll be closing the casket soon. Would you like a minute alone with her?’” He swallowed the lump that was beginning to
form in his throat. “I wanted more than
a minute, I wanted a lifetime.” He
cleared his throat and shook his head, clearing it too.
“Everyone had
left for the church. Reverend Sullivan
was one of the first to leave. I
couldn’t blame him. Jamie’s death…well,
first he loses his wife, then his daughter.
That’s not an easy thing for a man.”
“I had
brought something into the funeral home with me that morning, something that
only Brigid had known about,” he remembered what happened next.
“Are you
sure you want to do this on your own, Mr. Carter? This can be a very difficult thing. I’d be more than happy to do it for you.”
“I’m sure
Brigid, but…thank you.”
“I brought in
my pajama shirt--the one she wore the night in the rain--and I put it on
her. I folded the clothes she had been
wearing and placed them by her feet. I took
her shoes off and laid them next to her clothes, then I took her hair out of
its clip and let it flow around her shoulders.
It took me awhile to do, but I did it.”
“When I got
home that night I had put on the matching pajama bottoms…I just wanted to be
close to her.” He turned his head towards the road and watched the neighbor’s
van return back home.
It pulled
into the driveway across the street, the family piled out of the car, looking
as though they had a full day. The
father reached into the back seat and pulled out a sleeping child, carrying him
into the house--returning shortly for a few of the items they had packed in the
vehicle earlier in the day. He lifted
his head and waved across the street to Landon, calling out, “Good evening,
Reverend. Nice night, huh?” Then
turned, with his arms full of blankets and a small beverage cooler hanging off
of his fingers, towards his house.
“I graduated
from college and medical school at the top of my class. I did my residency here in Beaufort, then…when
I was through with it my dad had offered to let me join his practice, but I
turned him down.”
He looked
down to the ground and ran his hands along his thighs, lifting his eyes in a
mischievous grin. “It wasn’t long after
that, that I decided to become a minister.”
“I went to
the seminary then I joined the peace core--intending on spending a year over
seas--it turned out to be 8 years. I
was too valuable to them--a doctor that held Sunday sermons.” He laughed to himself, “I could set a broken
bone and baptize you all at the same time.”
“One day I
got a telegram. My father-in-law was
sick.” The laughter that had recently
bubbled from within him quickly disappeared.
“He refused medical treatment, saying he missed his wife and daughter
and it was finally time he went home.”
“I cared for
him the best I could, helped him with his sermons.” He stood up and walked slowly across the porch, “He passed away
within a week of retiring from the church--it was mine now--I was Reverend
Carter.”
“I preached
in that church every Sunday for 40 plus years--I retired just a few months
ago. They didn’t want me to, but I had
to. I can’t do what I once did. I’m old now…tired.”
He looked to
the heavens and searched out Jamie’s star.
He pointed up to it and said, “There she is. That’s my Jamie.”
He walked
back into their house, looking around the living room--remembering the day his
mother had decorated it for them.
There was
a fully decorated Christmas tree standing in the corner of their living room
with presents underneath it and colorful lights blinking, stockings were
hanging above their fireplace. On the walls were giant red hearts with white
lace trim, plastic Easter eggs were in a basket in the middle of their coffee
table, a giant green shamrock was on one side of the sliding glass door, a
decal of an American flag was on the other, a big plastic jack-o-lantern was
sitting in another corner of their living room accompanied by a brown bag
overflowing with candy. On the kitchen
counter was the top tier of their wedding cake that Landon’s mother had put in
her freezer the day they got married; next to it was a card that said “happy
anniversary.”
“Oh,
Landon, I can’t believe…when?”
“My mom did
it for me while we were at your dad’s last night. The other night you said that you wished we could have one
Christmas together and I thought, why stop there.” He watched her as she touched the ornaments and said to her back,
“Did I over do it?”
“NO!” she
turned quickly to face him, “No…it’s…perfect.”
“Are those
presents real?”
“I don’t
know. Let’s check it out.”
“So, which
do you want to open first?”
“Hmmmm. I don’t know. You choose.”
“ ‘kay,”
he picked up a birthday present and handed it to her and said, “Happy Birthday
Jamie!”
“Happy Fourth of July.”
“Happy
Fourth,” he hesitated for a moment and said, “I just wish I could’ve arranged
for some fireworks.”
“Oh don’t
worry,” she swallowed a sip of her tea, “I’ve got that covered.”
It was
starting to get dark outside and they decided to shut the lights off so they
could appreciate all the twinkle lights that were strewed around their living
room and across the Christmas tree.
Landon turned up the air conditioner until their living room felt like
the North Pole, and then he built a fire in the fireplace.
Jamie lay
flat on her back in front of it. Landon
lay on his side gazing down at her. It
was getting late--the day was almost over.
Their
fingers began to slowly entwine, their eyes were locked in a passionate stare,
filled with love and devotion. Their
noses rubbed gently from side to side as they breathed each other in.
He saw the
reflection of the fire flicker in her eyes.
Her skin was glowing, her velvety soft hair shimmering. His open lips brushed gently against hers as
he threaded his fingers through the hair at her temples, cradling her face in
his palms. Their lips continued rubbing
timidly back and forth across each other, no heavier than that of a gentle
summer breeze--their eyes never closing.
They were so close now that Landon’s head blocked the reflection of the
fireplace from her upturned face. He
felt her flick her tongue against the corner of his mouth as though she were
taking a taste and his breath caught.
Shivers rode outward from every pore of his body. Behind them the clock quietly chimed the new
hour.
Jamie
raised her free hand to brush his cheek with her fingertips, “Happy New Year,
Landon,” she sighed against his lips.
“Happy New
Year, Jamie.” His lips poised, his
heart pounding in his ears.
Her
fingers curled into the hair at the nape of his neck as she melted into his
kiss. Minutes later she pulled
away. Her words were soft, breathy and
made the hair on his arms stand, “Mmmmm…Fireworks.”
He choked
down the tears as he made his way slowly up the stairs, stopping midway for a
breath, he muttered to himself, “Gettin’ old Carter.” He walked down the long hallway; passing the rooms that barely
got used anymore, remembering the day he carried her down this same path.
“Guest
rooms…bathrooms…linen closet.”
They were so
young, so in love. He placed his hand
on the doorknob and remembered the feeling of her in his arms as she opened
that door for the very fist time.
“Go
on. Open it.”
“Landon,”
she said nervously, “this is beautiful.
He walked
into the closet, running a passing hand along the edge of the vanity table she
would sit in front of each night and remembered brushing her wet
hair--remembered her brushing his.
“My
turn.” She was nervous.
“Are you
sure you want to do this, Jamie?”
She nodded
‘yes.’
He
straddled the chair--facing her instead of the mirror--trailing his fingers up and
down the back of her bare legs as the bristles of the brush gently bit into his
scalp. Her skin was so soft,
smooth. It felt like silk beneath his
touch. He inhaled deeply--taking in her scent--she always smelt like fresh
flowers.
She knelt
down on the floor in front of him--the wrought iron back of the small stool
stood between them--and put her hands on his face. She placed a delicate kiss on his upturned lips and whispered,
“Take me to bed Landon.”
He removed
his clothes and placed them in his hamper, then reached for the Tupperware
container that was on the shelf above her side of the closet. He pulled it down and sat with it on his lap
for a long time--his heart racing. It
took him a while to pry the lid off, but when he did the scent hit him in the
face immediately. It was talcum powder,
fresh flowers…it was Jamie. He gathered
the pants up in his arms, holding them to his nose and inhaled deeply. He dropped the container to the floor;
laying his head down on the bed and closed his eyes for the last time.
He lay
back on his bed with his hands behind his head, looking up at the sky, awaiting
the darkness. The moon gradually
appeared as the stars popped up one by one within the dark background. The moment he was waiting for would be here
soon and when it came, his world would be full again. Full of love…hope…life. A
flash of white streaked across the night sky creating a star that shined brighter
than all the others. He looked to his
side and saw her walking across the cemetery towards him, her feet never quite
touching the ground.
He knew
what to expect. He had been here many
times before--his dreams. Over the
years his image changed, he got older while she always looked the same. She always wore the same thing, her wedding
dress. Her hair was always the same
way, in flowing curls that cascaded down her back and billowed over her
shoulders. She never spoke to him, but
he could hear her saying “I love you Landon” every time the wind caressed his
skin.
Tonight was
different though. He couldn’t put his
finger on it, but it was definitely different.
Her feet no long floated across the cemetery ground, but instead pit-
patted down the long hallway of their house towards their bedroom. She wasn’t wearing her wedding dress, but
his pajama shirt. Her hair wasn’t
curled but straight and she wasn’t alone.
Sam walked down the hallway by her side, his tail waging in tempo with
their footsteps. Landon glanced at the
mirror and noticed his reflection. He
was wearing his pajama bottoms and he was 18 again.
She stood
directly before him and said, “You.”
He
replied, “Me.”
They
catapulted into each other’s arms--their lips meeting in a passionate
kiss--years of waiting over.
Landon was
the first to pull back, “Jamie? Is this
heaven?”
“It’s our
heaven, Landon.” She smiled up at him
and ran a hand along the side of his face.
He could
feel Sam’s tail brushing back and forth across his foot and looked down at
him. “You know…Eric always said he was
with you.”
She looked
down at Eric’s old dog and said, “He was right.”
“Your
father?” He questioned.
“He’s with
my mother. I can’t wait for you to meet
her.” She looked into his eyes and said, “I’ve waited so long for you
Landon. I’m so proud of what you did
with your life.”
“I did it
for you. Everything I did, I did for
you.”
“I know.”
He cradled
her face in the palms of his hands and said, “I love you.”
“Then show
me,” she whispered against his lips.
He stood
out on the balcony, looking at the sky when he felt her arms come around his
middle.
She laid
her head between his shoulder blades and said, “So…what’d ya wanna do today?”
He turned
around and draped his arms loosely around her waist. “We’ve got an eternity, right?”
“Mmmmm
hmmmm.”
“Well,” he
said with a glint in his eyes. “Why
don’t we spend the first hundred years in bed, then we can go from there?”
She lifted
the corner of her mouth in a smile and asked, “Just the first hundred? An eternity is a long time.”
“Okay,” he
said, thoroughly getting into this, pulling her just a little closer, “five
hundred years.” He leaned in to give
her a kiss.
“Well…I
was thinking the first thousand years, then…” her lips met his.
“Then?” he
said against her mouth.
With the
tilt of her head and a gleam in her eyes she said, “There’s always the
hammock.”
He lifted
her in his arms and carried her back into their room lying her down on their
bed.
The sun
rose in the sky as two spirits found eternal bliss--two souls becoming one.