By: kf6tac (Brian) and Jamie Sommers
Email: kf6tac@yahoo.com
Rated: PG-13
Synopsis: This story is about Landon and Jamie’s
budding relationship. They’ve had their
first date; Landon has told her he loves her, now they have to face their
friends, their family and their own fears.
Written from both Landon (written in bold print by kf6tac/Brian)
and Jamie’s (written in italic print by Jamie Sommers) POV.
Last Sunday at Landon’s
was one of the best days of my life. It
seemed like every day I spent with him was one of the best days of my life, but
when I got home that night I knew that things were going to be changing for the
worse very soon. My health was
deteriorating. I could feel it. I was becoming unnaturally tired and my body
would get twinges of pain more and more often.
I tried to forget about it all week long at school. I tried to put the pain out of my mind when
he hugged me a little too tightly, or when we sat in one position for too long,
but it wasn’t easy. The burden of guilt
was eating away at my insides. It was
time to tell him—it was just a matter of when.
My decision to tell him
finally came on that first day of spring break.
“Reverend Sullivan. Jamie.”
My father and I acknowledged my doctor with a nod, both of us afraid to
speak.
“Your results came back
and…”
“How bad is it Dr.
Rosen?”
“It’s not good,
Jamie. During your last round of blood
work your white cells seemed to be maintaining their…”
I watched my father hang
his head lower and lower as the doctor continued to tell me about my glum
prognoses.
When I had first found
out about my leukemia I just assumed that the Lord would find a way to cure
me. I took it for granted that He would
never take me away from my father. When
I found out that the treatments ceased to be working, I thought my world had
crumbled. I tried to be strong for my
father’s sake. I tried to look at the
positive side of life. I made a list of
things I wanted to accomplish and set out to do them. If I hadn’t gotten diagnosed with cancer then I probably wouldn’t
have done half the things on my list, right?
No matter how much I told myself that this was what God had intended for
my life I still couldn’t accept it. I
couldn’t be dying.
One day though…I was
getting ready for bed at my vanity table when I noticed my reflection. I was young…so young. I didn’t understand why this was happening
to me. Why God had decided to put me
through this. But I believed in the
Lord and I believed in His plan for me, no matter where it took me. I knew God had a reason. I just hadn’t figured it out yet. I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked in
the mirror again, this time I looked past my face…past my youth…my questions
and searched my heart for the answers that were there all along: It didn’t
matter how long I
lived my life, but how I
lived it and I knew I had lived it the best I could. I never questioned God’s choice for me after that… until He gave
me Landon.
The coming Friday was our first day of spring
break. It was kind of a relief to me
actually; I really needed a week of not having to go to school and do homework
and everything else. I figured it would
be a good opportunity to go out and have some fun with Jamie.
As I pulled my car up to the front of her house to
drop her off after school on Friday, I asked her if she wanted to get together
with me later in the evening.
“So, uh, it’s spring break now… you wanna go out
tonight, maybe catch a movie or somethin’?”
She seemed hesitant for a moment, almost like she
was when I asked her out to our first date.
Then she answered, “Well… I have some things I need to do in the
afternoon, so how about I just meet you in town in the evening? Around eight maybe?”
“Yeah, that sounds great to me. It’ll give me some time to pick up my room
anyways… my mom has been buggin’ me about it all week.”
She laughed a little bit, but something didn’t feel
all there. I figured she was just tired
though, our teachers had given us a lot of homework during our last week before
spring break. Seemed to be a teacher
thing. I really didn’t get it.
I kissed her on the cheek and sent her on her way
back home. I pulled away from the curb
and headed home, wondering what we could do when we went out.
“Well isn’t
this a surprise?”
I looked up and saw my mom grinning at me from my
door. She had just walked in on me
cleaning up my room… in fact I had just plugged in the vacuum cleaner to vacuum
my carpet.
“What, does a guy need a reason to clean his room?”
“I don’t know about other guys, but it seems like
Landon Carter usually does. Or did it
just get too messy for you to stand?”
She was on to me. Might as well
just give up the innocent-kid-cleaning-his-room routine.
“Actually… I was planning on going out with Jamie
tonight.”
“Soooo you thought you should clean up your room so
I couldn’t hold it against you, right?”
“Yeah, something like that,” I chuckled.
“Well I’ll let you get to it. No way I’m going to argue against my son cleaning his room. That Jamie sure is something… I could never
get you to clean you room without poking and prodding every step of the way!”
“Yeah, she’s wonderful.”
“I know, Landon.”
My mom shut the door and I fired up the vacuum
cleaner. I looked up at the clock on my
desk, but eight o’clock just wasn’t coming fast enough. ‘Just two hours more,’ I told myself.
I met Jamie in town, as planned, at 8PM. She was a little bit late pulling up, but it
wasn’t anything I was about to hold a grudge over. Traffic lights were stubborn – it happened to me all the
time. She was bundled up in a big
jacket, which kind of surprised me. The
weather was still pretty nice, and even at night it wasn’t too cold.
“Hey,” I said as I approached her. I gave her a kiss, and then asked, “Have you
eaten yet?”
She shook her head ‘no.’
“I haven’t either,” I said. “Let’s go get something.”
We ate in a little coffee shop/diner that wasn’t far
away. Jamie seemed to only have taken a
few bites of her food by the time I was done.
“I’m not really that hungry,” she explained to me.
“Alright, but don’t be starving yourself,
okay?” I said to her.
After we left the diner, we walked down the
street. I was holding her hand like
usual, but something was off… missing.
Jamie, who always seemed so full of life, was acting very nervous that
night. It was actually worse than our
first day at school after our date. She
was just kind of distant; we didn’t really talk at all as we walked. Before I could ask her about it, though, we
passed by this club where I used to hang out with Dean, Eric, and everyone else
who was “cool.” They must’ve been there
tonight, because Tracy and Belinda were just on their way out the door. They stopped and so did we, and they just
kind of stared at us for awhile. They
kept right on walking without saying a word.
“That’s great.
From citizen high to citizen low,” I said to Jamie.
‘Don’t hold it against them Landon, they’re just confused
people,’ I expected Jamie to say. But
she didn’t say anything at all. She
just kept looking away.
“You worried about your college applications?” I asked, perplexed by her behavior.
She shook her head.
“I’m not applying to college,” she said after some thought. We turned and walked down a small side
street.
Her answer had me really confused. Jamie was so smart… she could definitely be
the valedictorian this year. Why
wouldn’t she apply to college? “I
thought you said…”
“No,” she cut me off. “You assumed.”
Then I remembered that item on her to-do list about
the Peace Corps. “You gonna take a year
off, try the Peace Corps thing?” It
seemed reasonable to me. Where else
would she be going?
“No.” It was
all she said, and she kept walking without looking at me.
I stopped, but she kept going. “Hey.”
She turned around. “What’re you
gonna do?”
There was silence for a while, and then she looked
up at me. “I’m sick.”
I felt bad for grilling her with all my questions; I
should’ve known she wasn’t feeling well.
That would explain the big jacket too.
“I’ll take you home, you’ll be better tomorrow,” I
started to say.
She cut me off again, before I had finished my
thought. “No, no, Landon! I’m sick.”
I just stared at her, not really understanding what
was going on. I mean… she had told me
she was sick just a few seconds ago. I
obviously heard her, because I had offered to take her home.
And then it hit me, and I felt this gut-wrenching
feeling in my stomach. Her next words
made me feel like someone had just taken a baseball bat to my head.
“I have leukemia.”
Those were the hardest words I’ve ever had to say in my life. We stood there fighting back tears—Landon
trying to digest what I had just dumped on him—tripping over his own
words.
“No…you’re eight…you’re eighteen. You…you’re perfect.” He had this look on his face like he just
didn’t believe me, like I was playing some kind of prank on him. I had to stop him from denying it.
“No, I found out two years ago and I’ve stopped
responding to treatments.” I knew what was coming next and I couldn’t blame him
for asking.
“So why didn’t you tell me?”
I tried to explain my reasons. “The doctor said I should go on and live
life normally as best I could. I didn’t want anybody to be weird around me.”
“Including me??”
“Especially you!
You know I was getting along with everything just fine. I accepted it,
and then you happened. I do not need a reason to be angry with God.” I ran.
I couldn’t look at him any longer.
I couldn’t stand there waiting for the inevitable to come. I could hear his unspoken words running
through my head as I raced to my car. ‘Look
Jamie, it’s been fun, but maybe we should stop seeing each other,’ and they
repeated in my mind over and over again the closer I got to home.
“Jamie, you’re back early. Jamie? What’s wrong? What happened? Did Landon try something…”
“No daddy.
No. It’s not…huuuh…huuuuh…I
cahhhhnt breeeeeeeathe.”
“Sit down!
Sit down!”
My father ran for the phone—I knew he was going to
call an ambulance—thinking that I had a relapse.
“Ihhhht’s not…not…”
I reached out and put my hand over my father’s and squeezed it. He looked down at me as reality finally
struck.
“You told him.”
All I could do was nod.
“Oh, Jamie.” He knelt before me and held me while I
cried on his shoulder. I told him
everything that had happened.
“So you just left him standing there?”
I nodded ‘yes.’
He blew out a breath. “Jamie…” he shook his head and held me to his chest.
“I don’t understand daddy? Why did God do this to me?
How could he show me love like this and then take it away when I need it
the most?”
“I don’t know Jamie.”
I began to rock back and forth in my father’s
arms. “I hurt Landon so badly
daddy. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive
myself for that.”
“Shhhh.”
“I love him so much daddy. So much.” My words were
running over my father’s.
“I know Jamie.
I know,” he consoled.
“But the worst part,” I pulled back to look into my
father’s eyes. “I used to think that
nothing could be worse than death, but I was wrong. The thought of living without him—even for a day—is so much worse
than death. It’s so much worse…”
Jamie turned and ran. My heart was screaming, ‘Jamie, wait, don’t go!!!’
But I couldn’t get the words out. I just
stood there in shock, not sure what to do or think. I was sad, shocked, hurt, and angry all at the same time. I stormed to my car and just drove. For a while I wasn’t sure where I was going. I just drove, and I was angry. Angry at Jamie for not telling me. But that passed soon, and it was replaced by a
new anger…anger that this would happen to her.
I
realized I couldn’t drive all night, so I took a shot in the dark and drove to my
father’s house. He was a doctor, right?
I couldn’t remember what kind of doctor
he was, I wasn’t old enough to really understand when he left and I never listened
to my mother now when she talked about him…he had to be able to help, he just had to. When I pulled up to his house, all the lights
were out. I walked up and pounded on the
door.
“Dad,
open the door!” I yelled, apparently at no one.
I
turned to walk away, and then I heard the door open. ‘You always wanted to be a part of my life, now’s your chance to redeem
yourself,’ I thought.
“Landon?”
“I
need you help,” I stammered out.
“What’s
wrong? Are you okay?” ‘Yeah, yeah, now is not the time for the protective
daddy routine.’
“It’s
my girlfriend, Jamie she’s…” I could barely speak; it hurt me to think of it.
My
dad just stared at me blankly, and I knew I had to say it.
“She’s
got cancer, okay? And I need you to come
and see her right now.”
‘Please
don’t make me beg,’ I thought. ‘I just need
you to help me.’
“Okay.
Will you calm down…” there he went, stalling
again. Don’t tell me…
“Can
you help me, or not???” I didn’t have time
for this. I needed someone who would help.
“I
don’t… I don’t know her case, I don’t know her history. I’d have to talk to her physician… I’m a cardiologist,
I can’t…”
‘So
you can’t help me,’ I thought.
“No,”
I shook my head. “I knew it.”
As
I walked back to my car, I could hear his voice behind me calling out, “Wait, Landon,
wait!” I didn’t care to wait. He couldn’t help me, and I don’t know who else
in this world could.
I
drove around a lot more that night, not knowing what else to do. I didn’t stay angry with Jamie for not telling
me, because she was right. Much as I hated
to admit it, I wasn’t the type who would’ve taken it well…I could barely handle
it as it was. As I drove, I started to cry…
at first they were angry tears, for what was being taken away from me. Then I thought about Jamie, and I cried again
for all that she would miss out on. After
those tears had stopped, I wondered what I was going to do now…I didn’t think I
could stand to just be with her and watch her die. And I cried some more.
I opened my swollen eyelids to the glaring sun that
streamed through the window. I stretched
and felt pain shooting throughout my body. Catching my breath, I closed my eyes again and thought back to last
night. Finally telling Landon the truth.
Sitting up with my father and crying until
the wee hours of the morning. Feeling like
the rug had been pulled out from under me once again.
I walked upstairs to my room to get some clothes and
made my way to the shower. I told myself
that I had to eat something, ‘after your shower,’ but I knew I wouldn’t be able
to keep it down. I walked into the bathroom
and turned on the faucets to let it warm up, then began removing my clothes. I crossed my arms in front of me and grabbed the
hem of my shirt to pull it over my head when I caught a glimpse of my reflection.
My eyes were red and swollen, my cheeks
were streaked with dried tears, my nose was red, my stomach was churning, my head
was swimming and my heart was breaking. I looked exactly how I felt. At that moment I wanted nothing more than to shut off the shower and
call my best friend, the only problem was…I lost him last night.
I finally pulled into my
driveway early in the morning, about an hour before sunrise. My mom was up already;
I don’t know if she had been up all night or what. I didn’t go inside the house though. I walked down by the water, where Jamie and I had taken our naps the
weekend before. I stood there for a long
time, almost until the sun came up, wondering what to do. I didn’t even hear anyone coming until he spoke
up.
“Hey.”
It was Eric. “Your mom called me. Talk to
me man.”
Did
he know? Or was he just here to settle this
friendship thing? I had much bigger things
to deal with at the moment…
“About
what?”
“About
you. About Jamie.” From the tone of his voice, I figured he knew.
My dad probably told my mom after I left.
“What’s
there to talk about? She’s the best person
I’ve ever know.”
Eric
was silent for a while before saying, “I didn’t understand.”
‘I
know,’ I thought. ‘But it’s all right. You’re trying.’
“It’s
okay, man.” I looked over at him for the
first time in weeks. “It’s okay.”
We
did our handshake, and I realized it had been even longer since we had done that.
I was glad he came though. If felt like I had my best friend back.
After
Eric left, I stayed out by the water and watched the sunrise. I remembered watching the sunrise with Jamie after
our night in the cemetery, and I wondered what in the world I was going to do. Could I leave her now? The very thought caused my throat to tighten up
and my eyes to tear, and my heart screamed “NO!!!” to me. So I couldn’t leave her. But how…how could anyone just keep on going like
this was normal?
Then
I remembered what I had said that day in English class.
“She’s saying that regardless of her ploy to bring them
together, they still would’ve gotten together. They still would’ve found each other in spite of her actions, not because
of them. Ya see, once they let their walls
down they were able to see each other and all it took was for them to look…to really
look at one another, to realize that there was something more between them…something
special…beautiful. That they loved each
other and the love they found is what’ll help them to overcome every obstacle they
face in life. That they can make it through
anything as long as they face it together. And that nothing will ever break them apart as long as they hold onto
that love.”
Every obstacle. I had meant that message for Jamie when I
said it in class… did I know what I was talking about? Was I throwing myself into something… I
wasn’t ready for? I sat there, trying
to straighten things out. Finally I
came to a decision.
‘Ready for it or not, I’m not leaving
her,’ I concluded. ‘I’m nothing without
her. She is my everything.’
“Jamie? Where are you heading off to?”
“I need to get out of
here for a while daddy. I just need
to…I don’t know.”
My father hugged me and
kissed my forehead, “Take all the time you need. I’ll be here when you get home.”
Neither my father nor
myself thought it would be too smart for me to drive anywhere in my condition,
so I walked. I wasn’t going anywhere in
particular, but I found myself ringing Sally’s doorbell. I watched her walk towards me through the
screen door and saw her face gradually changing the closer she got to me.
‘She knew.’
“Jamie,” she opened the
door and didn’t quite look me in the face.
“Hi. Can we talk?”
She threw her arms
around me and began apologizing for her behavior these past few weeks. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve never treated you and Landon so badly.” We talked for a while about my leukemia,
about it’s progression and we cried a lot.
I wondered how she knew
before I got to her house. Had she
spoken to Landon? But she had heard
about it from Eddie Zimmerhoff, who had heard it from Robin, who had heard it from
Eric’s sister, who had heard it…the list was endless.
“So how is Landon taking
this? He must be horrified,” she began
crying again and grabbed a handful of tissues from the box.
“I guess. I wouldn’t know.”
“What?” She looked at me like I had two heads.
“I said I wouldn’t know
how he’s handling it.”
“Why not?”
“Because we broke up
last night.” Saying that out loud
sounded so wrong.
“Oh, Jamie. I can’t
believe he would dump you at a time like this.” She didn’t say it like she was disappointed in him; she said it
as though she were truly in disbelief.
“He loves you. I mean it’s so
obvious how much he loves you. No. There must be some mistake. I just can’t believe he would break up with
you. Especially now. What did he say?”
“Well nothing actually…”
I spent the next hour explaining to her what happened last night.
“Oh, Jamie you have to
talk to him. He must be
heartbroken. Call him.”
I shook my head, ‘no.’
“You have to,” she
walked over to the phone and began dialing.
I wanted to reach out and slam the phone down on the receiver, but even
more than that, I wanted to hear his voice on the other end of the line. “Here,” she made to hand me the phone. “It’s
ringing.”
I just stood there and
looked at it. We both heard Mrs.
Carter’s voice saying “Hello? Hello??”
“Uh, hi Mrs.
Carter. This is Sally; I did the play
with Landon. I was wondering…could I
talk to him?”
“I’m sorry Sally, he’s
not here.”
“Oh. Do you know where he went?”
“No. He just said he needed to do some shopping
and left, but if you do see him…please tell him to call home.”
“I will Mrs.
Carter. Thank you.”
“So what did she say?” I
asked.
Sally gave me a look of
pity and said, “He went shopping.”
I suddenly felt like I
had that day at the lockers when he mocked me in front of his friends. Shocked that he was capable of doing
something so…cold. I shook my head
trying to clear it and said goodbye to Sally.
I got maybe an hour or
two of sleep that morning before I was up again. Sleeping was not what I wanted to do at that time. I got dressed and told my mom I was going
shopping, then I got into my car and left.
I also had to stop off at the bank – I didn’t exactly have a lot of cash
on me. Not enough to buy what I was
looking for anyways.
As I was driving down the
road, I suddenly decided to pull off… into the church parking lot. There were no other cars there, so I figured
all the doors would be locked. I walked
around the main building and into the back, where Jamie had told me there was a
separate unit for the bride during wedding ceremonies. The building was smaller than the church,
and shorter, but it was pretty kept-up and had flowers leading up to it. I sat down on the steps at the door, and I’m
not sure what prompted me to do it but I started talking to God. It was the first time in my life I could
remember having a serious conversation with Him.
“I know I don’t pray as
often as I should, Lord… but I’m asking for Your help now. Please Lord, please just let Jamie stay. I love her, and it’s all because You brought
her into my life. I’m sorry I didn’t
recognize the gift that was right there in front of me all these years… please,
just let me love her and hold her. If I
could only ask one thing of You, Lord, in all my life… this would be it. Just Jamie.”
I sat there a little
while more, thinking again about Jamie’s number one. I realized it then that sometime in the past week, it had become
my number one as well. But would we
ever fulfill our mutual number one? I
looked behind me at the bride’s chambers, and I decided right there that I
would do everything in my power to make it happen.
I got back into the car
and drove to the flower shop. When I
told the salesperson what I needed, she looked at me kind of funny and asked,
“What, are ya decorating for a garden party or somethin’?”
I shook my head. “No, they’re for my girlfriend.”
“All of ‘em huh? Lucky gal…”
‘If you only knew,’ I
thought. I let out a sigh, and the
woman in the store realized that things weren’t all good and sunny in my
world. She helped me load the flowers
into my car, and then I was off again.
I got to Jamie’s house and started laying the pots of flowers on the
porch. I set the bouquets out, some on
her porch swing and others on the railings.
I had just finished and was walking to my car when Reverend Sullivan
came up the street, talking with one of his neighbors.
“Landon,” he said when he
saw me.
“I’m not going
anywhere. Please tell Jamie that.”
On my walk home I began
talking with God. Asking him to help me
through this time of trouble. To help
ease these feelings of loneliness and betrayal deep within me. ‘Please Lord show me how to free my heart
from this pain and suffering. Help me
to find peace once again. Show me Lord,
please show me the way to…’ I lifted my head at that very minute to see the
front door of my house completely surrounded by flowers. “Landon,” I sighed.
My father met me halfway
down the walkway and said, “You had a visitor while you were gone.”
I
could only shake my head in disbelief.
“He wanted me to tell
you that…he’s not going anywhere.”
I hung my head in
shame. I was so sure that he wouldn’t
want me anymore—why would he—I just assumed we were through. I had spent the entire night worrying about
Landon abandoning me that I didn’t notice I was the one that abandoned him.